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WI Democrat Primary: With less than a week to go before the Candidates are selected for the June Gubernatorial Recall Election, Union Favorite Kathleen Falk has unveiled an new campaign motto. "Let's Falk Up Wisconsin" has been met with mixed reviews. Some praising it for its honesty, others saying it is too little too late. Falk trails Tom Barrett who is running on a platform of higher taxes and fewer jobs.


Recall: Today WI Democrats submitted recall petitions against one S. Claus. Spokesperson for the group 9 year old Sally "Starshine" Paterson-Smith-Rainbow states: "It is just time for him to go. For too long he has divided the state into the Naughty vs the Nice. This kind of divisiveness is NOT what WI is about and we will no longer stand for it. Do we even know who he really is any way? Claus? Kringle? Nick? What is it? Also for years he has been associated with Coke. Coke? Koch Brothers is more likely! Plus I didn't get the pony I asked for..." The press conference ended when "Starshine" began stamping her feet. President Obama called her to offer his support.



Economy: It was announced that Apple paid approximately 9 % in corporate taxes last year while making nearly of of its products over seas. Exxon Mobile spokesperson just shook his head as he sent in the check for 40% of their profits and was hounded by reporters asking "Why won't you pay your fair share?"



Climate: March 2012 is only the second time in recorded history that March is Warmer than April. Leading climate scientists finally threw up their hands and proclaimed: "OK you got us, we have no idea what is going on or how this sh*t works"



Presidential Race: Barack Obama released an ad last week suggesting that Romney would not have killed bin Laden. Romney responded by pointing out that "Even Jimmy Carter would have killed bin Laden. Also, you ate a dog! How messed up is that?"



Anarchy in the USA: 5 People were arrested in OH while trying to blow up a bridge. The self described anarchists were found bickering over who was in charge.



Child Care: A Florida Couple has been charged with child endangerment after having several beers and then towing their 7 year old grand daughter behind the family SUV. When asked for comment the couple stated: "Hey we are good responsible people, there was no way we were going to let her in the car with us after we had been drinking. That just isn't safe."



ICE ICE Baby: James Woolsey plead guilty this week to stealing a half million dollars in taxpayer money by running a fake hotel scam. According to court records he stated" Hey, it's not like I sent guns to Mexico or got a border patrol officer killed or nothin'! Besides why can't sleeping on my pullout bed cost 500.00 bucks a night?"



Barack Obama: President Obama made an unannounced trip to Afghanistan on the 1 year anniversary of the death of Bin Laden. Obama stated: "This is NOT a campaign event and my address to the nation reminding them that I was the BAMF that killed that SOB has nothing to do with the upcoming election or that wimp Romney that would have peed himself instead of killing Bin Laden. This is about me doing the work of the American People and being a Bad Ass." Security was tight during the trip and a complete media blackout was imposed in order to protect the President. His blankie was on standby the entire time.




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