Economy: President Obama surprised everyone by finally explaining the economy. Now that all Americans understand that getting ahead has nothing to do with hard work or good ideas everyone became a billionaire over night. Most towns are now in the process of removing their asphalt roads and repaving them with gold. One unforeseen consequence of everyone being rich however, is that no one seems willing to pave roads or pick up garbage.
Politics: Ron Paul has officially lost the race for the Republican Nomination for President. When he called Mitt Romney to conceded Romney accepted it graciously saying "Who are you and how did you get this number?"
Veepstakes: While rumors abound that Romney will announce his running mate sometime soon, FNN has learned that the Mayor of Talkeetna Alaska is in fact the front runner. With 15 years experience and the highest approval rating of any mayor in the nation we feel this is a perfect choice.
Sports: Athletes began arriving in London for the 2012 Summer Games to find the Olympic Village still under construction. When asked about the delays the foreman responded: "Wots this then? The Games are THIS year!? Blimey we best get cracking."
Weather: With most of the country locked in a severe draught scientists have been unable to conclusively tie the increased air temperature to the increased number of outdoor speeches given by Politicians. However, it has not been ruled out either.
Middle East: As tensions rise through all of the Arab States, and a full blown Civil war has been declared in Syria. Iran and Egypt are on the verge of separate wars with Israel and gas prices threaten to climb once more. The question on most American's Minds is : "Can I still get tickets to The Dark Knight Rises on Friday"
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