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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

News: now 100% Caffeine Free

WI Recall: With a little over a week to go before the historic election the 2 candidates met for a debate on Friday. Scott Walker spent his time pointing to his accomplishments as governor. Tom Barrett offered a spirited defense of "La-la-la I can't hear your job production figures" In addition Barrett stated emphatically that the election between himself and Scott Walker is not a "do-over" of the last time they ran against each other for Governor. A point he drove home by showing the yards signs all had the year 2010 scratched out and replaced with 2012.

Michelle Obama: the first lady is on a publicity tour for her new book "American Grown" a book about how we should all strive to eat exactly what she says. During the tour she is hoping to cash ion on her 85% approval rating by promising to continue to preach about food if her husband is re-elected and to run for the Senate if he is not.

GOP Primary: Mitt Romney clinched the nomination after winning the Texas Primary Tuesday night. Ron Paul announced that this would not change his plans and sees this as only reducing his chances of getting the nomination by a small amount.

Egypt: Disappointed with the results in the election allowing a run off between former Mubarak Official and Muslim Brotherhood favorite, protesters to Tahrir square trying to overturn the results. Muslim Brotherhood Officials prepared to invite Wisconsin Teacher's unions to speak on the methods of overturning elections, until they realized the Union spokespeople were women who refused to cover there faces in public.

Memorial Day: President Barack Obama Honored Vietnam Veterans this year calling the way they had been treated in the past "shameful". He then had lunch with Jane Fonda and attended a fund raiser with Bill Ayers.

Cuba: Mariela Castro is continuing her US Tour emphasizing how wonderful it is to be gay in Cuba if your last name happens to be "Castro" In addition she points out that she wishes it were possible for her to vote for Obama. After hearing this SEIU helped her register for absentee ballots in 18 separate states and secure the Green Party Nomination for Paul Ryan's Congressional Seat.

Education: Schools across the nation let out for Summer Break this week. In unrelated news, employers are reporting a spike in requests for overtime and many bars are now extending "Happy Hour" by several hours each day.


This is FNN News: Fairly Balanced (More or less. Sorta)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day

This is not the post I had intended to write today. I had planned to write about the youth group trip to a water park on Saturday. However, bad weather forced the postponement of that trip.

So I came up with a plan "b" in which I would write about the schools failings at teaching the meaning of Memorial Day. (The day in the states set aside to honor those who have given their lives in service to this nation) However, my daughters had actually been taught what the day was all about. While I was very pleased that they had this information, I was no closer to a post topic.

I briefly considered a bonus fake news post, but I was not feeling very snarky so I passed on that.

So I have decided to share the recipe for today's cookout:

Ingredients:

2 lbs Boneless Thin Cut Shoulder Roast Steaks
1 Jar Pepperhead's Pirate Sauce (or other marinade)
2 oz bourbon
Salt
Pepper

Mix the marinade and the bourbon together. Place in a sealed container with the steaks in the fridge for 24 hours.

Grill over high heat for 4 minutes a side. Turn only once.

Steaks will be med rare. Cook longer per side for more well done.


We will be having a pasta salad, grilled asparagus and corn on the cob with the steaks.

I hope wherever you are and whoever you are with, you are able to have a wonderful day today. And please take a moment to remember those that have made your freedom possible. To those of you reading this in a nation that is less than free: We stand with you, your desire for freedom is heard around the world and will not be forgotten.

Happy Memorial Day.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Hungry, Hungry Games

So, I have finally caught up with the rest of the world and read the "Hunger Games" trilogy.  And, since I write a blog which features pop culture bits on Fridays I thought I would offer my review of the series. In case any of you are as far behind as I am and have not read the full series yet, I will try to avoid any information of a "Spoiler" type nature. But do be warned, I intend to discuss the book and so at least some bits of plot will be leaked.

Having just finished reading "Mockingjay" less than 20 hours ago, my thoughts and feelings regarding the books are pretty fresh. As I have thought about the story I have come to the startling conclusion that I hate Katniss Everdeen. I did not start out hating her, in fact during the first book I liked and admired her. However, as the story went on my like turned to neutrality, then dislike and eventually pure hatred.

At first, I was angry at Suzanne Collins for taking the character I so liked in the first book and twisting her to the corrupt version found in the last book. But I realize that characters often have a life of there own and writers merely chronicle the events that occur in the world they created. I do not blame Ms. Collins, Katniss is just not the hero I thought she was.

In the first book we see a very strong defiant young woman sacrificing herself for the only person she truly loved, her sister Prim. Everything that she does from that point forward is done purely for self preservation. She teams with Peeta not because of any fondness for the boy or desire for his well being, but because she knows she has no choice if she ever wants to return home. Even the berries are self serving, the nightlock ultimatum was the solution to the Gordian Knot. She could not allow Peeta to die and still be welcome at home, and she had no desire to die herself. So the berries were the ultimate bluff and solution. Not the heroic gesture at all.

In the second book, we find Katniss working with President Snow in an effort to prevent a rebellion that her people badly need, a rebellion she herself set in motion. She does everything in her power to undo what she had done in the previous book with the berries, because she selfishly has no desire to help free anyone. When she is forced into the Games a second time, she decides to save Peeta rather than herself. This is marginally noble, however she is so blinded by her desire to get him out alive she fails to notice that most everyone is working toward escaping the Arena. If she had only paid closer attention to thsoe around her, and trusted her friends, many more people would have survived the Quarter Quell. As it was her naivete causes the deaths of many people and nearly foils the plan entirely. But the rebels believe her berry trick has made her a symbol the rebellion needs so die they do all in the name of protecting Katniss.

In the last book we find Katniss spending most of her time wandering around aimlessly and hiding in closets. The rebels have saved her becuase she is needed to unite the districts. She resists this for quite some time prefering to mope about and feel sorry for herself.  Her mother, sister and every survivor of 12 has found a reason to thrive, but not Katniss.  Eventually she does agree to help the rebels, after insisting on some very stiff conditions. Then on every chance she gets she ignores her deal, seeks revenge and causes the death of much more noble characters. It is my belief that nearly every death in Mockingjay could have been prevented by Katniss simply pulling her head out of her rear and listening to those around her.

Suzanne Collins is an excellent storyteller and I did enjoy the series. I would love for her to write a few more "Hunger Games" novels with a different character as the narrator. Perhaps retell the story from Peeta's View. Or Gale's. Maybe even Haymitch. Any of them would have a better story to tell than the train wreck of selfishness and indecision that is Katniss Everdeen.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Breaking NEWS, So you don't have to.

WI Recall: With less than 2 weeks until the recall election, a new round of ads showing people put out of work by Walker have appeared. However the spots featuring Kathleen Falk and her now unemployed campaign staff are not having the effect intended.


DWTS: Green Bay Packer Star Donald Driver won the TV Dance competition briefly uniting the state of WI in pride and joy. This was ended when Tom Barrett accused Walker of rigging the vote in order to improve his chances in the recall. ABC then announced that the next season would feature past competitors returning to the stage. However, plans to have the previous victors battle to the death are on hold.


Presidential Race: Barack Obama's Campaign team announced the filing of a defamation suit against the author of a tell-all biography. The book which had apparently been unread until recently has brought several embarrassing facts to light about the President's past. In a statement released this week he states: "That someone would commit these lies to paper just for an opportunity to embarrass me is beyond the pale. I will not rest until I have completely discredited every aspect of this horrible book and restored my good name."  Publishers of "Dreams from my Father" could not be reached for comment.

Attack Ads: Newark Mayor Cory Booker made a public call for the Obama Team to stop attacking private equity firms calling the ads "nauseating". Shortly after the remarks Booker appeared in a video retracting his statement while holding up a dated newspaper and looking nervously to the masked gunmen on his left repeatedly. The video was accompanied by a letter of apology written entirely in letters cut from a magazine.

Space Exploration: This week the private company SpaceX launched a capsule of supplies to the International Space Station. Thus taking its place beside the Russians, Chinese, European Space Agency and Cub Scout Pack 403 as being able to do stuff that NASA cannot.

Publicists: President Obama was faced some uncomfortable questions this week when it was revealed that his literary publicist listed him as having been born in Kenya until 2007. When asked about this Obama stated: "Well, honestly I never knew for certain if this President thing was going to work out. If I ever got busted for dealing drugs or found out as a socialist, I might have to leave the country. I needed a back up plan" He then pointed to the fact that as a child Mitt Romney once visited the Canadian Side of Niagara Falls and questioned whether anyone had every heard the Governor use the word "eh".

Movies: SPOILER AHEAD!!! Darth Vader is Luke's Father.

Entertainment: Authorities responded to reports of Joy Behar lying in a ditch behind a strip mall in Cincinnatti OH. After a throughough investigation and several attempts to revive the non-responsive TV Host, they reluctantly declared her DOA. During the autopsy it was discovered that a case of mistaken identity had occured, and the victim was in fact a lifesized concrete pig. When asked for comment Ms. Behar stated: "This sort of thing happens all the time."

Stocks: Investors filed suit today against Facebook. Stating they were mislead into thinking the company did something useful. This is FNN.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sleepovers, Storms and Spit in my Eye

Every year at this time south central WI forgets that it is part of the United States and celebrates Norwegian Independence Day with the "Syttende Mai" festival. Translated as "The Seventeenth of May" and pronounced to rhyme with "spit in my eye" it is a celebration of the Norwegian heritage shared by many in the area. As I am a transplant to the area from Ohio, I go to the festival not for the heritage but for the food and beer.

This year we took the unprecedented step of allowing our youngest to have a friend spend the night before attending the festival on Sunday. This was a tactical error I shall not repeat. You see, it turns out that 9 year old girls do not get much "sleep" at a "sleepover". In fact I would guess no sleeping occurred at all. When you combine the lack of rest with the walking and crowds that are Syttende Mai the result is 2 very grumpy children and I was becoming less than pleasant myself.

In an effort to make the day as enjoyable as possible, we got to the festival earlier than usual and procured a downtown parking spot and a prime location to view the parade that would start shortly after the lunch hour.

The day started out well enough with laughter and good food. This all went downhill when I let the 2 young ones go to the "bounce house". All little girls love to jump and bounce and will never turn down a chance to partake, no matter how tired they are.  That is when the trouble began. As they bounced the little reserves of energy they had left were quickly drained, leaving 2 shells of anger spite that looked like cute little girls.

As the parade started and all roads that would allow us out of the town were closed, the 2 began demanding to be taken home. They were distracted briefly by the fire engines and bands, but their desire to be away from there only grew. It was at this point that my phone began to vibrate with alerts of possible storms, and the sky began to grow dark. Any sense of reason left to the girls vanished at that time. Still unable to leave due to the closed roads, we could do little but watch the parade with one eye and the sky with the other.

Eventually the parade ended and we headed to the vehicle. The storms must have hit someplace else as we never did see a drop of rain, and the 2 girls were sound asleep by the time we had finished the 15 minute drive home.

Moral of the story: Do not plan big things for the day after a sleep over.

Friday, May 18, 2012

ARG

Most of you are not aware of this, but this is not my first attempt at a blog.  The first blog I wrote I updated everyday for 3 months before letting anyone see it, after that I updated it at least once a day for 2 more months before I abandoned it entirely. The kicker is that everything I wrote on that blog was fiction. It was the blog for a fictional law enforcement agency that I wrote for part of an alternate reality game. (you can see the blog here) And you can read the discussion of those that played the game here.

This leads us to todays pop culture topic: "ARGs".
One of my favorite pastimes is "Alternate Reality Gaming". This is sometimes known as "Chaotic Fiction" "Viral Marketing" or "immersive Role playing" In short it is make believe for grown ups.

During an Alternate Reality Game (ARG for short) players use clues found on websites, in emails or sometimes in phone calls or movie posters to solve a serious of puzzles and complete the game.

My real world activities have kept me away from playing for a few years but a quick check of one of my favorite ARG community websites shows they are just as popular as ever.

Games are played to announce the release of movies, video games or even TV shows. "Lost" "Torchwood" and "Cloverfield" all had games associated with them. The upcoming Batman movie has a game that is going on right now.

As advertisers look for new ways to attract the interest of an easily distracted public they must find new and more innovative ways to grab attention. As an inexpensive method of creating interest Viral Marketing and Alternate Reality gaming is here to stay. So the next time you see a web address in a movie poster or an email account in a TV commercial, go ahead and check it out. You may just find yourself drawn into a fun world that you never even knew was there.



Wednesday, May 16, 2012

News: Now nearly as Factual as most Cable Channels

Science: An engineer has produced plans to build a functional Starship Enterprise using today's technology. President Obama was asked what he thought of the proposal to which he responded "That looks like something really cool for the Russians or Chinese or some country with a Space Program. Maybe someday the United States will be able to launch a man into space, I do envy those technologically advanced nations."


Economy: In order to avoid the crushing debt that is imposed upon successful people in the United States, Eduardo Saverin has renounced his US Citizenship and moved to Singapore. In a statement released just prior to the Facebook IPO he said: "Do you have any idea how much it costs to be rich in America? I just can't afford it anymore."


Republican Primary: Texas Congressman Ron Paul called Governor Mitt Romney to congratulate him on his landslide win in the Nebraska and Oregon Primaries Tuesday Night. Romney responded "Huh, What? Who are you and how did you get this number?" The Governor reportedly spent the night underlining passages from "Dreams of my Father" to use in future campaign ads.



WI Recall: An anonymous blogger has cross referenced the recall petitions with the state back tax roll and found over 17 million dollars owed by those wanting Scott Walker out of office. Democrats were enraged by the invasion of public and open records that allowed for this discovery.

President Obama: Website Observers noticed that President Obama had added a fact and his name to the Official biography of many former presidents. When asked for comment he stated: "I like to take the time to remind everyone exactly how wonderful I am. Also it's MY website Bitches so back off. I can put any damn thing on there I feel like, and there is NOTHIN you can do about it. Keep on my back about it and I will change Reagan's bio to say he cheated on Nancy with Tip O'Neil."


Education: The First Daughters claim their father is "Embarrassing but not too embarrassing" thus highlighting the fact that even the President's children are unable to get a decent education in this nation as if they had any real understanding of what he was doing they would hang their heads in shame at all times. When asked for comment their teacher responded: "I feel as though I have let them down, but I just do not have the resources to teach basic math, current events or history anymore. On the upside; the Obama girls aced their latest quiz on 'African American Lesbians and their impact on society' so at least they are learning something."


Entertainment: 3 Fisherman get scared when a large fish jumps into the boat. An easily distracted population of Internet users gladly watch the video while waiting for the Diablo 3 servers to come back on line. Observers believe that if not for videos like this as well as a large number of still functioning adult websites that the millions of people who called in sick on Tuesday in order to play the much waited for game would have had to go to work. That particular disaster was avoided.


FNN- 100% error 37 free

(Have you found the Easter Egg yet?)

Monday, May 14, 2012

DRAMA (DA DA DAAAA)

This past weekend was the culmination of several months work and practice as my daughters' 4H club held its annual Music and Drama competition. Every year the kids get together and create an original musical which showcases both their talents and the spirit of 4H. Our production was a fun piece about the 1970's.

The play started off with a fun scene between a Grandmother and her Granddaughter talking about the difference between BEING 70 and the 1970's.

From there we had a John Travolta look-a-like strutting to "stayin alive", skits with Sonny and Cher, Princess Leia and even the unknown comic and Chuck Barris from the "Gong Show".

The kids put on an excellent show with "The Streak" and "It's Fun to stay at the F-A-I-R" as the highlights. Watching the kids learn the basics of Disco was by far the best part of my Spring.

Unfortunately the judging came next.

After a fantastic show, we were all convinced we had secured a First Place blue Ribbon. But that was not the case. The judges complemented everyone in the group and pointed out what they called "truly amazing" bits. However at the end of the day they gave us a Second Place Red Ribbon due to what they claimed was poor diction and bad flow. Keep in mind that the average age of our acting group was 11 years old. It is my opinion that to mark down 11 year olds for "diction" and Comedic timing being somewhat off is overly harsh.

It was not until later that I found the real reason for the harsh judgement. Our kids had been in watching another show, when they were told by one of the older kids it was time to go. They got up noisily and exited the theater, while another performance was still in progress. They did this while in costume and in full view of the judges. This was what secured our Red Ribbon instead of the Blue.

The moral of the story is manners count. I am reminded of the words of Shepard Book from "Firefly" pointing out that there is a "Special place in Hell reserved for Child molesters and people who talk in the theater" While I do not think my kids have been damned for the rudeness, they were condemned to a Red Ribbon.

Friday, May 11, 2012

The Cliffhanger

We have reached the part of the entertainment year known as "May Sweeps". This is the time in which the networks try to get as many people as possible watching their shows in order to convince advertisers to buy ads time on their networks. What this translates to for the viewers is the shows that air are (for better or worse) as good as they are ever going to be.

Some shows rise to the challenge and play something that will be talked about all summer. Others do not. Still others employ the time tested device of the "Cliffhanger". The Cliffhanger works most of the time that it is used, drawing in viewers who then wait all summer for the resolution. This post is NOT about those.

I would like to talk about the Cliffhangers that failed. The 2 part episodes in which the second part is never seen. I can remember many shows in which I personally sat in rapt awe watching the events unfold before me, when with only moments left in the hour a bomb goes off and the main character was standing RIGHT THERE. I would go to the water cooler the next day to discuss what I saw only to learn that pretty much every other TV in the world was watching something else.

Most recently this happened on "No Ordinary Family". A quirky scifi show about a family of super heroes. The episode ended with the bad guy about to destroy the heroes. Less than a week later the series was cancelled.

As fans we can complain all we want and it almost never matters. (The most notable exception was the series "Jericho" which ended with a cliffhanger but outraged fans convinced the network to make an additional 6 episodes to finish the story) Most of the time the complaints fall on deaf ears. The shows are cancelled for good reasons. They are not making enough money. We like to think of TV as free entertainment, but there is a reason the stars are rich. It is a business and a big one at that. So as long as the Cliffhanger keeps drawing in viewers, writers will keep making them. And as long as there are Cliffhangers there will be shows that are cancelled without airing the second half.

So for that reason the scariest words to see in a show you love in May is:

To Be Continued

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

100% Real Factual News (Note: Not all Facts are 100% real or News)

Google It: Google Earth Satellites have detected new buildings and bases being constructed by the Terrorist organization Hezbollah. In reaction to this news the Obama Administration has announced this week that the entire Central Intelligence Agency would be replaced by 6 fifteen year old kids with access to Google and a case of Red Bull.



Arts: Sixth graders hold concert, proud father blogs about it, posts picture. Daughter becomes angry, threatens violence. This is a developing story...



US Senate: 6 term Senator from Indiana Dick Lugar lost his primary election yesterday. The Senator was first sworn in when Gerald Ford was still President. The octogenarian seemed confused by the turn of events and had to be reminded several times during his concession speech to close his robe.



WI Recall: Union leaders declared victory on Tuesday as their chosen candidate received fewer votes than her challenger and both candidates combined received fewer votes that Scott Walker. "It was our plan all along to go into the general election after suffering massive loses, everyone always supports the underdog. We have Walker right were we want him. Off in the distance and moving fast." Political pundits question the wisdom of the strategy, suggesting instead that "winning" is the best way to gain political office.



Entertainment: Barack Obama and the team behind "Julia" have been nominated for the American Comedy Awards "Best New Comic" prize for the hilarious portrayal of a person who is completely unable to survive without government help. The inept "Julia" bumbles through one misadventure in life after another all the time hoping for a little "deus ex machina" to see her through. Enjoy "Julia" while you can, as a second season seems unlikely.




Presidential Race: Mitt Romney in an attempt to show his comic chops as well did a 2 minute stand up routine on the "Julia" Character. While thought provoking the act caused some members of the audience to doze off. Romney stated later that "He would never let Carrot Top  open for him again"




Disturbing: Orlando FL home to Disney and Sea World is the US city in which more porn is watched than any other. Snow White and Shamu could not be reached for comment. Goofy was caught by photographers exiting a 24 hour "bookstore". He stated that he was "just reading the articles".



Business: Yahoo CEO says he is sorry for lying to everybody for the last 33 years and states that "Hey, a degree in accounting from the 'Harlem School for Accounting and Auto Maintainence' is almost EXACTLY the same as a degree in Computer Engineering from 'MIT'. I don't see what the problem is. It was just a minor typo. Also, No one ever reads a resume. I mean seriously, after 33 years this is the first time anyone has read the whole thing. Did you see the bit that says I was an Apollo 13 Astronaut? What about the stuff on page 2? Some of my best stuff is page 2. Start with the bit about defeating Mordor and go on from there."




FNN - Breaking News like Chuck Norris Breaks Bricks

Monday, May 7, 2012

Storms, Sermons and Sunday Mornings

When I am not working on my "day job" I volunteeer at my church. Occassionally I am asked to fill in for the pastor when he cannot be there. My pastor serves 2 churches so when I fill in for him I do the entire job an early service at one church followed by the late service at the other. Sunday May 6th was one of those days.

There were 2 things that made this past Sunday different from others. First, my whole family came with me to both services. Normally when I do this my oldest will go with me and my wife and youngest will just go to the late service. But yesterday, we spent the entire day together. It was wonderful getting the extra feedback on my sermon as we drove from one church to the other and allowed me to give an improved message during the late service. What was less wonderful was the second thing that made yesterday different.

As we were taking up the collection my phone started viberating in my pocket. A quick glance around the room informed me that mine was not the only phone ringing. It gives you a special feeling of dread when you notice many phones suddenly ringing in unison. The service was nearly over and since I did not see anyone running out of the building I decided to wait to check mine until after the service.

Those of you who do not live in areas where severe weather occurs frequently may not be familiar with the alert options that many news providers give regarding weather and cell phones. This call during storms has saved many lives, and they are to be taken seriously.

As the service ended I checked my phone and discovered a severe thunderstorm had passed during the service and was still in the area. The problem was that the storm was firmly between where I was (with my family) and where I had to be for the late service. Many people were counting on me to be there so we had no choice but to brave the weather. As we started out, the mood was light, I had not told my kids about the storm. As we drove the sky developed a dark bruised look and lightning filled the air. At about the midpoint of the 20 minute drive a bolt struck a power transformer about 50 yards in front of our car. The explosion shattered any sense of bravery that my daughters had had before.

The final 10 minutes of the drive took about 12 hours (the clock said it was 10 minutes, but I am certain 12 hours is right) My daughters screaming in fear the entire way. The storm ended just as we arrived at the second church.

The upside is that no one was injured in the entire storm AND I was able to use bits of the drive in my second sermon to improve it.

However, I do not think it will be easy to talk the family into going with me the next time I am asked to do both churches.

Friday, May 4, 2012

May The Fourth Be With You

I actually had something else planned for today's post and then I remembered the date. So Happy Star Wars Day!

To many people Star Wars is a neat movie from the 70's. To Others it was a neat movie their dad made them watch on video, and still others remember Star Wars from the release in the 90's. Now a new generation is being treated to the films as they are remastered and re-released yet again this time in 3D. And to still others it has become a way of life.

I remember seeing it for the first time in a small theater near my home town. It was packed and we were all awed by the first glimpse of the Star destroyer in the opening frames of the film.

A few years later my step brother went to opening night of "Empire" and promptly came home to tell me that Darth Vader was Luke's father. I assumed he was lying. My step brother would routinely lie to me about things like that. I was shocked to learn he told the truth.

After the shocks of Empire, I was somewhat disappointed by Jedi, but I was a kid so don't hold that against me.

Now over 30 years since the first time the words "A long time ago in a galaxy far,far away" first floated on the screen a new generation is watching the films. My oldest has asked me to take her to all of the 3D showings. While I look forward to seeing the films with her, I am not sure I want to expose her to episodes 1-3, they are kinda awful in my opinion. But I will probably take her to at least some of them, because I do like spending time with her. (Even if it is at a bad movie).

The Star Wars craze astonishes me still. There are conventions, video games, Lego sets, MMORPs and even a religion that have all come from Star Wars. Lucas himself is so enthralled by the films that he keeps tinkering with them, adding new scenes and effects trying to keep it up to date with current technology.

I am confident that in 30 years my children will still be able to share Star Wars with their kids.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Headline News: Guaranteed 93% Fact Free*

WI Democrat Primary: With less than a week to go before the Candidates are selected for the June Gubernatorial Recall Election, Union Favorite Kathleen Falk has unveiled an new campaign motto. "Let's Falk Up Wisconsin" has been met with mixed reviews. Some praising it for its honesty, others saying it is too little too late. Falk trails Tom Barrett who is running on a platform of higher taxes and fewer jobs.


Recall: Today WI Democrats submitted recall petitions against one S. Claus. Spokesperson for the group 9 year old Sally "Starshine" Paterson-Smith-Rainbow states: "It is just time for him to go. For too long he has divided the state into the Naughty vs the Nice. This kind of divisiveness is NOT what WI is about and we will no longer stand for it. Do we even know who he really is any way? Claus? Kringle? Nick? What is it? Also for years he has been associated with Coke. Coke? Koch Brothers is more likely! Plus I didn't get the pony I asked for..." The press conference ended when "Starshine" began stamping her feet. President Obama called her to offer his support.



Economy: It was announced that Apple paid approximately 9 % in corporate taxes last year while making nearly of of its products over seas. Exxon Mobile spokesperson just shook his head as he sent in the check for 40% of their profits and was hounded by reporters asking "Why won't you pay your fair share?"



Climate: March 2012 is only the second time in recorded history that March is Warmer than April. Leading climate scientists finally threw up their hands and proclaimed: "OK you got us, we have no idea what is going on or how this sh*t works"



Presidential Race: Barack Obama released an ad last week suggesting that Romney would not have killed bin Laden. Romney responded by pointing out that "Even Jimmy Carter would have killed bin Laden. Also, you ate a dog! How messed up is that?"



Anarchy in the USA: 5 People were arrested in OH while trying to blow up a bridge. The self described anarchists were found bickering over who was in charge.



Child Care: A Florida Couple has been charged with child endangerment after having several beers and then towing their 7 year old grand daughter behind the family SUV. When asked for comment the couple stated: "Hey we are good responsible people, there was no way we were going to let her in the car with us after we had been drinking. That just isn't safe."



ICE ICE Baby: James Woolsey plead guilty this week to stealing a half million dollars in taxpayer money by running a fake hotel scam. According to court records he stated" Hey, it's not like I sent guns to Mexico or got a border patrol officer killed or nothin'! Besides why can't sleeping on my pullout bed cost 500.00 bucks a night?"



Barack Obama: President Obama made an unannounced trip to Afghanistan on the 1 year anniversary of the death of Bin Laden. Obama stated: "This is NOT a campaign event and my address to the nation reminding them that I was the BAMF that killed that SOB has nothing to do with the upcoming election or that wimp Romney that would have peed himself instead of killing Bin Laden. This is about me doing the work of the American People and being a Bad Ass." Security was tight during the trip and a complete media blackout was imposed in order to protect the President. His blankie was on standby the entire time.




* Guarantee void in all 57 United States, Nations that speak Austrian, and anywhere the POTUS has ever played golf.