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Friday, August 31, 2012

On Naomi Wolf and a Fascist America

Several years ago Naomi Wolf wrote The End of America listing the ten steps she felt were needed to turn a free nation into a dictatorship. She went on to list the ways that George Bush was fullfilling that list. Today Naomi is a prominent activist with the occupy movement. After reviewing the list I have taken her "steps" and applied them to the current administration. Instead of using conjecture and supposition as Naomi did I have listed a concrete example from the news along with a link to the actual article.

This is not meant to suggest that I believe Obama is in fact attempting to start a dictatorship, It IS meant to point out the hypocrosy of the left and the way that only the facts that fit their narrative are allowed. I further write this to challenge all those who refuse to vote for a Republican because of the supposed abuses to be honest and also refuse to vote for Obama. I am not naive enough to think those may vote for a Republican now, but perhaps a million votes for the Green Party or the Communist Party or the Whatever Party would show Obama that you have noticed what he is doing.


Ten Ways that Obama is Creating a Fascist State and destroying America:



1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
Van Jones: Republicans Want To Kill Children



2. Create a gulag
Guantanamo Bay Still Open



3. Develop a thug caste
Black Panther Case demeans My People



4. Set up an internal surveillance system
Obama Launches Attack Watch



5. Harass citizens' groups
Lawmakers Accuse IRS of Targeting Tea Party Groups



6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
Obama Signs Act to Allow Detention of Citizens



7. Target key individuals
Democratic Group Attacks Koch Brothers



8. Control the press
White House Snubs Press Corps



9. Dissent equals treason
The Romney-Ryan Budget is a Devil's budget. It guts The Public, America's soul -- The American Way of Life.

10. Suspend the rule of law
Unconstitutional Recess Appointments



Please, this is an unbelievably important election. Even if you are unable to bring yourself to vote for Romney: PLEASE DO NOT RE ELECT OBAMA.



Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Breaking Fake News

Vice President Joe Bidden has vanished following Paul Ryan's nomination acceptance speech. The only clues at this time are a television with a remote lodged in the screen, A trail of damp tissues and a low sobbing noise from beneath the Vice President's Bed. This is a developing Story. More information when it becomes available.

Update: Secret Service Agents are still looking for the Vice President who has now been missing for nearly 10 hours. Doctors fear permanent saliva and suction damage to his thumb if he is not found soon.

Update: A ransom note of sorts has been found on the floor of the Vice Presidents bed Chamber. It reads in part: "Leave a fifth of whiskey and a bucket of chicken on the end table and close the door"  Analysts are inspecting the note now for any forensic evidence.

Update: Agents forced their way into the Vice President's room when they hear breaking glass. Upon entering they found a broken bottle of whiskey, an empty bucket of chicken and what appeared to be the Vice President's pants laying next to an open window.

Update: The Vice President was found in the woods near his home. He was naked and muttering the name "Paul Ryan" repeatedly. Experts disagree on whether or not he is as mentally fit as he was before the incident.

Fake News Fresh From the Press

Hurricane Isaac: The Obama campaign was disappointed when Hurricane Isaac made landfall on Wednesday and failed to cause enough destruction to cancel the Republican Convention Completely and prevent Romney from becoming the nominee. "We were really counting on Isaac to interrupt the convention more and prevent Romney and his supporters from addressing the nation. But the storm is still churning so maybe New Orleans will flood again before Ryan's speech on Wednesday Night. We have our fingers crossed."

Ann Romney: The Republican Nominee's wife took center stage on Tuesday and delivered the best address by a candidates spouse or even a candidate in recent memory. When asked her opinion of the speech Michelle Obama replied "THAT BITCH!" The campaign quickly pointed out that her remarks were out of context and referred only to a dog.

Chris Matthews: Was hospitalized for "Exhaustion" after a series of unhinged interviews with Newt Gingrich and Reince Preibus. As he was being escorted away he was heard shouting "You are all racists! See you are even wearing WHITE jackets! Everyone everywhere is a racist! hahahah!" Doctors are considering an unprecedented second lobotomy as a treatment (The first having been performed in early 2007)

Chipotle: The Mexican restaurant chain has been caught rounding bills up to the nearest even amount in order to avoid dealing with pennies. The result is an untold fortune in unearned profits. A company spokesman stated: "Hey it seemed to work fine in Superman III and Office Space, so we thought Why not? Who could have known that something from a movie would not work out in real life?"

The Fall of Civilization: Was completed this week when customers began spending 290.00 on a Plain Brown Paper Bag. The designer responsible for the bag stated: "Holy Crap! people are actually buying this thing? all I did was get a bag from the store and write my name on it with a sharpie! People are Effing Stupid!"

Monday, August 27, 2012

On the Fall of Legends and the Death of Heroes

This was a particularly tough weekend for me. As I was preparing to put into words my feelings about Lance Armstrong I received the bad news that we had lost Neil Armstrong (No Relation).

Lance was a hero of mine in the way we all watched him over come the challenges of cancer to become the best in the world in his chosen sport. The LiveStrong foundation for cancer prevention is a great charity and his work to bring attention to a disease no one wants to think about much less talk about has doubtlessly saved lives. Now after a 10 year fight with the Anti Doping agency has given up. While I still do not think he was doping (he DID pass over 500 drug tests) the fact that the man best known for never giving up will now be known for giving up breaks my heart.

Lance's face and voice are known around the world, but his fame pales next to Neil's.

Truth be told, I never really cared for Neil Armstrong. But that is likely because I never got to know him. Fellow astronaut and second man on the moon (by just a few moments) Buzz Aldrin appears on TV all the time doing interviews, appearing in fiction works as cameos of himself and so on. Buzz, I have gotten to know over the years. But Neil, not so much. By all accounts he would never speak of the moon at all. Legend says that he would eat lunch in the same small diner every day but would get up and leave as soon as anyone asked him about the moon. His supporters claim this is a sign of modesty, however this refusal to speak of the moon fueled many a conspiracy nuts fantasy of a faked lunar landing.

But the name "Neil Armstrong" conveys a sense of glory and adventure that we may never see again. Until someone upstages him by being the first person to step on Mars, his name will inspire children and the adventurers around the world.

So in 2 very different but real ways we have lost 2 very different Armstrongs this weekend. And we are less because of it.


PS: I am not one that believes in the Rule of "things happen in 3's" but after losing the First American Woman in Space and the First Man on the Moon in close order, I hope that the First American to Orbit the Earth, the 91 year old John Glenn; visits his doctor for a checkup soon.

Friday, August 24, 2012

On Lance Armstrong

I will be posting at length on this topic later in the day as more facts become available. For right now suffice it to say that I am more than a little heartbroken over the fall of one of my heroes. And whether or not the doping allegations are true, he still has an amazing story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Faux Gnus is Good Gnus

Mayor Bloomberg: Confirmed the beliefs of millions this week when he publicly announced that illegal immigration along the Southern US border had ended a very long time ago. Ranchers in Southern States were relived to learn that the people sneaking through their lands at not are not doing so illegally.


Voter ID: In order to display the hardships involved in getting an ID in order to vote the Plaintiff in the PA anti-ID lawsuit when through the arduous task of getting an ID. She was forced to take 2 separate buses show her old Medicare card and copies of letter s to her from the State welfare office. In all this horrifying experience took nearly 2 hours and several dollars in bus fare. Obviously much too high a hurdle for most Americans.

White House Press Pool: Has been snubbed lately as the President decided to give interview to more local reporters instead of Press briefings. Many of the Pool feel this denies the public the chance to have tough questions asked of the President, however as you can clearly hear in this interview With KOBFM's "Morning Mayhem" Local reporters can be every bit as tough as the Press Pool. We here at FNN look forward to our chance to ask the President what he likes most about Wisconsin our Cheese or our Fish Frys. The People Deserve to know.

Todd Akin: The scientific community was rocked this week by Representative Akin's Revelation that rape cannot cause pregnancy. "This changes everything we thought we knew about biology and reproduction. We are back to the drawing board here. What causes pregnancy? What is the sex act intended for? Are Birds and Bees actually part of human reproduction and not just a metaphor? These are the questions we are now asking." - Dr. John Whitten Mayo Clinic.

Whoopi Goldberg: Sharply criticized Akin's "Legitimate rape" remark as insensitive and wrong. "The suggestion that some rapes are not as bad as others is just sickening. Unless of course the victim is at least 13 and thinks the guy is dreamy then of course it is OK and should not be a crime or nothin."


FNN- Making up the news that MSNBC doesn't

Monday, August 20, 2012

On My Wife and The Anniversary of her Birth

Some years ago today, never-mind how many exactly; the world was graced with the birth of the most amazing woman I have ever known. A fabulous Mother, Wife, Friend and Partner there is no better person to have beside you when you are going through life's triumphs or tribulations.

To hear her laugh is to hear the voice of the heavens themselves ringing clear and true and will bring a glow to even the most dour of spirits. When she smiles her eyes light up a bright blue that at times I believe one could nearly read by. However, those same eyes hold a power that can terrify. When she senses someone has wronged one of her own those bright eyes turn a dark gray and like a summer storm all those in her path should flee in terror.

She spends her free time helping others. Whether it be her work with the PTA or the local community meal or volunteering at church; she is always putting others before herself. She does these things not for praise or glory (in fact I doubt many even know how much she does) but simply because these things need to be done and she knows how to do them.

A more caring mother has never walked this planet. Whenever her children have any need or concern she is there with the tissue, the shoulder, the words of encouragement or reprimand as warranted. Some day the kids will look back and realize exactly how awesome their mother truly is, for now she does a good job of remembering they are young.

As a wife I could ask for none better. And while many things in a marriage must and should remain private I will simply say that I enjoy every aspect of her being and often find myself counting the minutes until I can see her again.

Happy Birthday Darling.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Fake News Op-Ed: FNN Endorses Barack Obama

It is our pleasure to formally announce our support for Barack Obama's reelection. Regular readers of this column should not be surprised by this as the high level of respect and faith FNN has in our commander in chief is on display nearly every day. But here are a few reasons why we think you should support him also.

First: It is important to show that this is a color blind nation to ensure that the second black president (Bill Clinton of course was the first) is a 2 term president. Failing to re-elect Obama would show the world that this is in fact a racist nation that only cares about the color of a person's skin. Seriously if you don't vote for the black guy you are are horrible racist.

Second: He is the only person with the skills needed to fix the economic problems he was handed. We all know that nothing that has ever happened anywhere is his fault or the result of policies he voted for as a member of a Democrat Majority in the Senate or as President for 2 years with a filibuster and veto proof majority in congress. In 2008 George Bush became the first president in history to pass budgets and laws without a single member of the majority party agreeing to them at all. Barack Obama has solved the problem by not passing budgets at all or even submitting them. A true stroke of genius.

Third: He is the smartest man ever to hold the office. Because none of us a smart enough to understand his intelligence and wisdom he has had his books ghostwritten by others and sealed his college records, but that is just for our protection; exposure to his raw intellect would blind the average human. If you doubt his intelligence just ask him he will tell you.

Forth: He is a badass mofo. Seriously Have you ever seen him in his jeans and helmet riding a bike? How tough is that? Also he personally took the political risk that Bin Laden might be able to get away from the Navy Seals. That is at least 1000 times harder than actually being a member of the team that got him. Also he is so tough he once ate a dog.

Fifth: Obama is from Chicago and the Chicago political scene. So we know he is honest. If there is one thing that comes to mind when you think of Chicago politics it is HONESTY.

Sixth: It is important to understand that this was NOT written because of fear of my name being placed on an enemies list, being audited repeatedly or because members of the SEIU are outside of my house right now. That is just wild speculation and should not be taken seriously.

This is an FNN op-ed

Monday, August 13, 2012

On Paul Ryan and The Vice Presidency

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of Paul Ryan. He has the right ideas and the skill to make those ideas reality. Plus according to my wife he is just plain good looking. With all that being said, I am not happy with his selection as Mitt Romney's running mate. Let me explain.

First: The nation needs a Paul Ryan in the job that he had. It has been too long since we had a strong a knowledgeable person in the position of House Budget Committee Chairman. Paul Ryan brought a level of skill that has not been seen for decades to that job.

Second: A loss may be career ending for him. This pick reminds me of nothing more than the 1996 pick by Bob Dole of a young Jack Kemp. Kemp was thought to be the right wing golden child at the time. An up and comer that would likely be President one day. I have no idea what he has been doing since '96. But ask yourself this: when was the last time you heard his name mentioned by anyone?

Third: Paul Ryan is the boogieman. The Democrats have been running against Paul Ryan for quite some time now. Who can forget the ad in which Paul Ryan is shown throwing grandma off a cliff? (If you can't remember it the spokespeople on the Sunday news shows reminded you as much as possible by using the phrase "Pushing us over a cliff" at least 17 different times by my count.)  For nearly 2 years the Democrats have blamed everything that has gone wrong on the "Ryan Budget". Now they get to do that on an even larger stage.

Fourth: The left has learned that it can lie about anything and the lies about Paul Ryan are close to being believed as fact. As this clever commercial points out Some people believe EVERYTHING they see on the Internet and TV. And many of those people vote. So right now in the eyes of many people you have Barack Obama courageously trying to save your Grandma from a tax dodging, money grubbing. murderer and his trusty sidekick "Over the Cliff-Man" Those kind of negatives are going to be hard to over-come.

I really do want the Romney-Ryan ticket to succeed. I do want someone as good or better to take Ryan's place in the house. I do not want another Dole-Kemp failure, and that is where I am afraid we are heading.

Friday, August 10, 2012

No Post Today

I am sorry dear readers but I have nothing to share today. My obligations in the real world have left me with no time for a well thought out missive today. Look for things to be back to normal on Monday when I will give my Thoughts on either Shark Week or some random event from the weekend. Fake News Wednesday will have a presidential endorsement and Next Friday will be an Olympic wrap up.

So please enjoy the weekend, and I do apologize for not having anything to share today.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

News: Oven Roasted to perfection

Crime Beat: A gang Dressed as knights robbed a Renaissance fair in France recently. The bandits got away with roughly 20,000 euros. When asked for comment a spokesman responded: "At least they were not able to get anything of actual value. There were several roasted turkey legs near the euros they stole, that would have been a disaster."
Olympics: The penultimate day of swimming saw an unusual day as the pool was cleared due to a piece of poop found floating in lane 6. American Swimmer Ryan Lochte commented on the episode: "I did not realize that anything was wrong, I saw the poo floating by slowly and assumed it was Phelps practicing. It was not until I saw Mike walking on the deck that I realized there was a problem."

NASA: The Mars rover Curiosity landed safely this week. It immediately declared itself President of the United Alliance of Martian Rovers Local 274 and went on strike demanding improved working conditions, a 3 hour workday and a waiver from Obamacare. Negotiations are on going.

Sandra Fluke: The law student that claimed she needed help paying for the 3000.00 dollars she spends each year on Birth Control, got the help she needed by whoring herself to the Obama campaign as a spokesperson. "We feel Sandra is exactly the kind of person that we want to represent our campaign."- Barack Obama

Veepstakes: Despite numerous rumours and discussions on various websites and news shows I can confirm that as of this moment your humble correspondent has NOT been selected as the Republican VP candidate. I am however still open to the idea and would be willing to discuss the topic next time Romney stops by the house.

Harry Reid: Has still not responded to numerous unfounded accusations of pederasty, embezzlement and being the 21st hijacker on 9/11. "The Word is out there let him prove it."

FNN- When news Breaks we fix it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

On NASA and the Robotic Colonization of Mars

I tired to stay up last night to watch the landing of Curiosity on Mars. I failed. Now this morning as I try to view images from the NASA websites I find most of them overloaded and unavailable. I can only assume that the reason they are overloaded is due to a vast number of people wanting to see what it is seeing.

Ever since it was first spotted, humanity has been trilled by the red planet. Sitting there so close and yet so unbelievably far away, it fuels the imagination easily. From the ancient times when our ancestors looked up and saw an angry god of war in that red spot to the more recent novels and movies depicting what might lie there, we as a race are intrigued by Mars. And now we are there, humans can look upon the surface of Mars and experience it themselves, almost.

I suppose that is why this is bitter sweet to me. We are able to launch an SUV to Mars, lower it safely via skycrane and watch live images beamed back. But still no one is there, the first prints on Mars are not those of a human boot taking one small step for man, but rather the tire tread of a vehicle that nearly runs without our help.

I find it more than a little troubling that NASA is capable of sending a machine this size all the way to Mars but cannot change a lightbulb on the space station they built without getting a lift from someone else. I understand the need for robotic missions, but no robot can take the place of a humans sense of adventure and curiosity that is vital in exploration. This machine cannot wonder what is over the next hill. It cannot check out something that "may be nothing but is worth a look". It cannot feel.

One last thought on the robots; in every story I have ever read that features a robot at some point it will turn on its creators. So while I will enjoy the pictures from Mars as much as anyone, I still want people to go there, preferably during my lifetime.

Friday, August 3, 2012

On The Olympics and Why I Hate CNN

Like many people, I enjoy the spectacle of Sport. Watching the battle of body and will to see who will be the victor. The Olympics are the highlight of this, capturing many sports at once and showcasing the best of the best as they compete. It is thrilling and I love it. Unfortunately for this years games, I am time zone challenged and most of the events are occurring while I am at the office and unable to watch. Fortunately NBC has my back airing the most popular events on tape delay during the so called "prime-time" slot. So I spend the day avoiding news of the events so I can watch them and be surprised by the outcome.

Due to the nature of my day job along with a desire to keep up to date with events receive "breaking News" email alerts from various news outlets. This is where my hatred for CNN comes into play. Compare the following emails one from Fox news and the other from CNN:

From: FoxNews.com [mailto:foxnews@newsletters.foxnews.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 12:24 PM
To: Fish
Subject: BREAKING NEWS: US Women Gymnasts Battle for Olympics Gold



Gabby Douglas leads American gymnasts into battle for individual gold at the London Olympics. Find out NOW how they did at http://email.foxnews.com/t?ctl=24F37:23D40F1529C078FCFFD5453B04CA5A6D&
Here is the one from CNN:

From: CNN Breaking News [mailto:BreakingNews@mail.cnn.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 12:24 PM
To: textbreakingnews@ema3lsv06.turner.com
Subject: CNN Breaking News



Olympic Results: Gabrielle Douglas wins gold for U.S. in women's individual all-around gymnastics final.

Follow the Olympics on CNN.com , CNN TV and CNN Mobile.

See the difference? The Fox news email gives the reader the option of learning the outcome or finding out later. The CNN email does not even warn you in the subject that they are going to spoil the event. The Breaking News subject line is no different than when an actual event occurs. Here are the emails when the swimming events were held (my Favorite)

Fox News:

From: FoxNews.com [mailto:foxnews@newsletters.foxnews.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 2:40 PM
To: Fish
Subject: BREAKING NEWS: Phelps, Lochte Battle for Olympic Gold


American swimmers Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte compete in 200-meter individual medley final at the London Olympics. Find out NOW how they did at FoxNews.com
CNN:

From: CNN Breaking News [mailto:BreakingNews@mail.cnn.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 2:38 PM
To: textbreakingnews@ema3lsv06.turner.com
Subject: CNN Breaking News


OLYMPIC RESULT: Michael Phelps wins gold in the 200-meter individual medley; fellow American Ryan Lochte takes the silver.

Phelps is the first man to win an individual swimming event in three consecutive Olympics. It is his record 20th lifetime medal and his 16th gold.
CNN Has long been held in disrespect by myself and others for their perceived left leaning stance on reporting the news. However, this total disregard for the integrity of Sports reporting is an entirely new thing. I have no idea what mindset makes this kind of reporting happen, but I do know that if they are this irresponsible with Sports, then we cannot trust them with real news.



Wednesday, August 1, 2012

News Fairly Unbalanced

Olympic Coverage: In a bold break from tradition CNN has decided to alert those who follow their breaking news feed of any significant medal wins or upsets in the Olympic without warning of spoilers. Thus eliminating that horrible suspense that viewers of sport suffer through while waiting to see the outcome. By knowing who will win before the event is aired in the US, viewers can now focus on the crowd, the broadcasters and all the important things in an event that are often overshadowed by the athletes.

Fashion: The Fashion world had its eyes glued to the 2 women who want to be The First Lady of the US in 2013, and they were not disappointed. Ann Romney was seen wearing an obscenely expensive 990.00 silk shirt, while Michelle Obama was seen looking royal in her reasonably priced 6800.00 jacket. Critics roundly scolded Mrs. Romney for being out of touch with such an expensive choice in shirts. Michelle Obama took a few moments between a Lobster Dinner in Maine and coffee in Maui to say "The Romney's are just out of touch they don't understand the plight of regular folks."

Politics: Still on the defensive regarding remarks he made about private enterprise not doing anything on its own, President Obama restated his claim that only massive government projects could create the Internet. Meanwhile the London Olympic Opening Ceremony featured the man who invented the World Wide Web, the usable backbone of the Internet. He reported launched a new website WWWkissmyassbarack.fu

Mitt Romney Drew fire this week by accurately stating what every newspaper and TV station in the world had been reporting for months. The London Olympics did not seem as prepared as they should be. After denouncing his remarks the people of London rallied to hold a Games filled with empty seat, complaints of price fixing and security breaches between Guards and Soldiers. When asked for comment Romney simply said "Oh, my bad. You guys TOTALLY have this sucker locked down tight! Great job. How quickly can I get to the airport from here?"

Chicago Values were on display this week when a flash mob stole 3000.00 worth of jeans from a high end store. Rahm Emanuel stated "I am just thankful that we have this example of what Chicago stands for, and not those bible thumping Chicken sammich makers. These are Chicago Values!"

Editor's Note: Sorry about the short post this week. I am having a wisdom tooth out later today and am not looking forward to it. So the funny is harder to come by. Anyone wishing to cheer me up can do so by clicking on an ad. That always makes me feel better.