On Christmas In Wisconsin (Part 2)

Well it is finally here. The day we have spent all December trying to prepare for and yet never seem quite ready. The stockings have been hung and the tree trimmed at my home for some time and we have spent the last few days enjoying the sights and sounds of the season. Unfortunately a minor blizzard last week canceled the youngest's school program and we spent the better part of a day without electricity. Other than that hiccup it has been a fantastic week.

Wednesday Dec. 19, 2012: Mad dash to the stores to pick up final items and food stuffs before the predicted storm arrives at 6:00pm. School for Thursday was cancelled by 3:00pm before a single flake of snow fell.

Thursday Dec. 20, 2012: We awake to find a light covering of snow. Reports are that the worst of the storm is due at 12:00 noon. Oldest and I make last trip to the store to find a gift for her to give to the youngest. We also buy her a new pair of snow boots. The storm starts on schedule at Noon. Power goes out shortly after 1pm it is restored by 230.  We think we have dodged a bullet. Power fails again at 430pm it does not come back. We spend a cold dark night huddled together.

Friday Dec 21, 2012: I awake disappointed to discover the world did not end over night and I would be forced to shovel the large amount of snow and ice on the drive. The power is still out. After clearing the drive (partially) I am delighted to discover our Water heater does not use any electricity and am able to take a hot shower. We leave t=he house to warm up at the mall. Most of the town seems to be there as well. We decide to get a hotel room. We head home and begin packing. Power returns just as we are heading to the door. Kids complain that we are no longer going. I am relieved.

Saturday Dec 22. 2012: Annual trip to the Rotary Botanical Gardens Light Show. Biggest crowd we have ever seen at the show. It seems as though the secret is out and this little wonder is becoming a major attraction.

Sunday Dec 23, 2012: Oldest and I consider a new tradition and tour the Victorian Holiday Display at the Lincoln-Tallman House. Very pretty and interesting. Not every day you get to see a bed that President Lincoln slept in.

Monday Dec 24, 2012: Extended family Christmas. This is hard to explain and I will try to add pictures of the event later. When we are all together there are more than 50 of us. My In-Laws, Their 8 kids and spouses, the grandchildren (and in some cases their spouses) and the Great Grand children. It is a gathering like no other. There are games, food, drinks (Tom and Jerrys are the speciality) and a choice of church service at 4 or 10 pm. (My portion of the clan takes the 4pm option so the kids are so grumpy).

Tuesday Dec 25, 2012: Quiet day at home with just the 4 of us. We will exchange gifts and see what Santa has left for the well behaved members of the family. I hope each and every one of you are able to relax and enjoy the day with those you hold dear. Merry Christmas.


As a special treat here is a link to one of my favorite Christmas Stories: Frontier Christmas

On Christmas in Wisconsin (Part One)

This past weekend was the official kick-off to the Christmas season here in Wisconsin. Official tree lighting ceremonies were held, carolers sung and crafts were sold. In a whirlwind of activity my little clan attempted to see it all. To give you dear reader a sense of the activities I present for you the timeline of my weekend.

Saturday Dec 1 8:00 am: I do a web search for nearby holiday activities. After finding several, it is decided that we will take full advantage of the list and have a "Good Old Fashioned Fun-Filled Family Holiday Weekend" Looking back this was a mistake and i should have just slept for another few hours.

Saturday Dec 1 9:30 am: After a rush of showers, getting dressed and a few fights, we head to the hospital for "Breakfast with Santa"

Saturday Dec 1 9:45 am: We arrive and the Hospital to learn that every other resident of our town also intended to eat Breakfast with Santa and had managed to leave their homes a few minutes before us. Seeing the massive lines and the meager portions on the Breakfast plates we head to a local diner for Breakfast instead.

Saturday Dec 1 11:00 am: Snowflake Craft fair. This is a Yearly Tradition in our town. Many vendors selling items that are not to be found anywhere else. In addition food, carolers and door prizes. We spend quite some time here and spend more money than I care to think about. oldest Child won a door prize. this was a source of frustration as the youngest did not win a door prize and well I will let you imagine the results. The Carolers were nice:

Saturday Dec 1 1:00 pm : Cookie Decorating with Mrs. Claus. After misreading the time for this activity we arrived mere moments before Mrs. Claus packed up her table at the local grocery. The girls both managed to decorate a cookie with the Mrs. and spent a few minutes talking to her.

Saturday Dec 1 2:00 pm: Victorian holiday Craft Fair. What's better than a craft fair? 2 Craft Fairs in the same day of course. Unfortunately the second fair was filled with many of the same vendors found at the previous fair.

Saturday Dec 1 3:30 pm: Walking around Downtown of a neighboring city waiting for the parade of lights to start in a few hours. Unfortunately it begins raining and most members of the family decide they had had enough "Family Fun" for one day.

Saturday Dec 1 4:00 pm: we return home. prepared to call it a day and relax.

Saturday Dec 1 5:00pm: Certain members of the family feel we should have waited to see the parade of lights and convince this blogger to go back to the Parade. Fully half of the family rejects this idea and remains at home relaxed.

Saturday Dec 1 5:30 pm: The remaining half of the family arrives at the parade route. The rain has let up and it is now only mostly miserable. The parade begins passing our spot at 6:00 pm and lasts 9 minutes. Video can be found here.

Saturday Dec 1 7:00pm After securing an evening meal for all members of the family be purchasing food from 2 separate locations we return home.


Sunday Dec 2 830am: we leave for Sunday school and Church services. Sermon is good and is on the topic of "waiting" I think to myself that pastor must read my blog.

Sunday Dec 2 11:00 am: Pizza at the Church. The annual Pizza and Caroling party. the pizza is much less burnt this year than in past years. We are all grateful.

Sunday Dec 2 12:30pm: Caroling begins. 4 stops, 2 hours and 45 Christmas songs later we head for home.

Sunday Dec 2 3:30pm We arrive home. The weekly fight over homework begins.

Sunday Dec 2 8:00 pm: Homework is finished, baths are taken and it is the end of the Fun Filled Family Holiday Weekend.

On Waiting

So I heard back from my potential new employer for my dream job. There is good news and bad news. Good news, I am still the front runner for the job. Bad news, they will accept applications throught Christmas and make a hiring decision in the New Year. So I wait.

On the plus side, December is an excellent month to not work and I have not had a vacation of any length in several years so I am enjoying the time. On the downside, until I have actually gotten the new job I am a bit nervous about the future.

When I graduated many years ago i was given a copy of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, The Places You'll Go" In that book we are warned that one day we will come to a "waiting place". I have to agree with the assesment in that story that the waiting place is not a place that is very enjoyable. Unfortunately sometimes we have no choice but to wait. I can only hope that the wait is worth it.

In the meantime, I am just focusing on being the best Dad and Husband I can be. Spending extra time with my family is by far the greatest benefit of the entire situation.

On Being Thankful in trying times

Every life has its ups and downs. Good days and bad. Days when we feel more thankful than others. I must admit that this particular Thanksgiving I woke up feeling much more "woe is me" than thankful for what I have.

I started thinking about the election which did not go the way I wanted, then about my own employment situation and then spiraled down from there. I was feeling pretty bleak. So I decided to talk to one of the wisest people I know, my nine year old daughter. She had been watching the Macy's Parade and apparently they had been talking about what they were thankful for. She looked up at me and said "Daddy, I am thankful for you."

That is when it hit me. I truly am the luckiest man alive. I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me. I live in the greatest nation on Earth. I have friends from all over who read this blog and offer support. All in all I have a lot to be thankful for.

It is easy to look at that glass as half empty, but when you think about how much is still in that glass, your whole outlook will change. So in spite of everything I AM thankful today. I wish each and every one of you a fantastic day and the chance to embrace the wonders in your own lives, even if you have to look a bit to find them.

I feel as though I could go on about this for some time, but instead I think I will watch the parade with my kids. Give your loved ones an extra little hug for me today and enjoy each and every blessing the day gives you to the fullest.

From my family to yours:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

On Week One of Being Unemployed

So a full week has passed since I was relieved of my job and things are going about as well as can be expected. I have managed to settle into a routine of sorts. I have spent a few hours each morning of this last week working on my resume. (Thanks to a dear friend who gave me his resume to use as a template) I then plan dinner, do laundry and dishes and follow that with any shopping that needs to be done.

I have met with one potential new employer and am very excited about that prospect (it is basically the job I have dreamed about having since school) although no decision will be made until after Thanksgiving. The fact that I am the only person that has so far expressed interest in this job gives me quite a bit of hope.

The most surprising thing about being unemployed is learning how truly unhappy I was in my old job. All those who have been around me this last week have noticed that I am happier and more full of life than I had been in months. My pastor mentioned it first and then my family confirmed that he was correct. I have to admit that I do feel more at ease than I have in a long while. My only concern is securing health insurance before my current plan expires at the end of the month. But as long as the severance payment comes through before then I can survive a month on COBRA in a worst case scenario.

Another thing that has surprised me about losing my job is how much more sensitive I am to news about others losing their job. The story of Hostess hit me hard as I pondered the mentality that would chose no paycheck over a smaller paycheck. This reinforces my long held belief that Unions have outlived their usefulness by nearly half a century. But more on Hostess later.

In the meantime, Thank you all again for your support. And keep clicking those ads. ;)

News, Fake and unreal

Walt Disney announced the purchase of Lucasfilm recently and plans to make a new trilogy of Star Wars Films. Rumor has it that episode VII will reveal that Princess Leia has traded her voice to a seahag in order to walk on land, R2D2 is actually an enchanted clock and C3PO is a candlestick, Han Solo is being recast as a rough but lovable talking dog, And Luke Skywalker will now be played by Robin Williams

Entertainment: General David Petreaus resigned from the CIA this week to work on a revival of the popular comedy Soap. In the new edition the exploits of the Tate and Campbell families will be replaced by people crossing paths with 2 famous US Generals. Early reviews are mostly negative.

Election: It was learned that Obama won an unprecedented 100% of the vote in areas of PA and OH. Despite the fact that this has never happened before and Republican inspectors were barred from those ares for hours on election day, AG Holder says there is no cause for concern. "For many decades now people with Hussein in their name tend to get extremely high percentage of the vote, this is normal"


Economy: The Markets celebrated Obama's reelection with an unusual inverse bounce. In which they lost hundreds of points and have kept falling. In a statement Obama thanked the markets for the "show of confidence by getting rid of excess value in order to make room for growth." Most economists have refused to speak on the record since the reelection.

On Evangelical Conservatism

It has been one week since Obama was re-elected and I have been pondering exactly what this means and why it happened. Basically, Obama won because he was able to convince his voters that he was exciting and good and that horrible things would happen if they did not follow him.

Who else is able to sell a line like that? Tent revivalists.

I propose that the conservatives find a standard bearer right now. Someone young and smooth. Someone with the ability to reach the people and sell a message. Get the people excited about Conservatism the way tent preachers get people excited about Jesus.

I suggest taking this idea to the extreme. Set up a touring carnival almost. Set up a tent, sell popcorn and funnel cakes and get everyone clamouring about the "Good News" that we CAN cut taxes and reduce the deficit! That not only will Grandma NOT be thrown out on the street we are going to make sure future Grandmas are protected as well! That it is possible to use our resources wisely and that a coal plant will make jobs not kill people!

We need light shows and fog machines. Catchy songs that can be sung and remembered by the audience. We need energy.

The conservative ideal is one that most people cherish in this Nation. The problem is that it is hard at times. Liberalism, like the Dark Side of the Force is not stronger but it is faster and more seductive. We need to counter that with some flash of our own.

But most importantly, like those tent preachers we need to address the masses and stop just addressing the choir. So get out there and spread the message, and together we can save the soul of the Nation.

This is Not the Post I had Wanted to Write (Ever)

Last Friday I joined the ranks of so many others around the nation and lost my job. The exact reason why this happened is unimportant, let me only say that it was very unexpected. So now I am facing a Monday morning in which I have no job to go to for the first time in a very long time.

The thing that I have noticed first is the overwhelming inertia that seems to be holding me almost physically in bed today. Once I overcame that I had to come up with some sort of schedule for myself in order to keep moving, lest inertia win again. So, I have dressed and gotten my kids up and about, made breakfasts and started to think about and plan my job search.

First I will need to rewrite my resume. this is a big task that I am not looking forward to. I have not had to write a resume in a very long time and will need to start from scratch. What makes the resume writing even more daunting I have learned that a position which turns out to be the job I have dreamed about for years has just come open at the same time that I find myself looking for a new career. This makes me very nervous as I work on the resume wanting it to be as near to perfect as possible so that maybe just maybe the dream job can be mine and this unemployment will last no longer than an average vacation.

Whatever happens I intend to chronicle my job search here. You dear readers have been a constant joy to me. I can almost feel the support through the net.

One last thing today. Please check out my sponsors. Clicking on an ad costs you nothing and exposes you to a product or service you may be able to use. On the other hand a click does help me out quite a bit so each one is appreciated.

PS. This blog will still have all the things you look for and I will only post about the job hunt once a week. Come back tomorrow for my thoughts on re branding the Conservative Movement.

On Barack Obama and The 58 million idiots in this nation

So it is official. Barack Obama has won re-election. I wish I could say this shocks me, but since he was elected the first time a second term is not that stunning. Pundits will look for any number of reasons as to why he won or Romney lost. Some will say it was Hurricane Sandy, others will claim it was Romney's failure to attack in the last 2 debates. Some will say it was Obama's massive get out the vote effort.

I have a different take.

I spent all day yesterday at my local polling place. A precinct that Obama carried nearly 2-1. Here are the things I observed:

1) Approximately 1-25 Obama voters was unable to fill out their ballot correctly the first time and had to redo it.

2) Approximately 1-10 Obama supporters felt it was appropriate to show up to vote in pajamas

3) Approximately 1-5 Obama supporters look like Jesse from Breaking Bad


Obama knows his voters. He knew Romney was right when he said "47% are going to support Obama no matter what".  That is why he made his campaign a defense of Big Bird. That is why he claimed that Romney wanted to throw Grandma out on the street. He knew his voters would react.

Romney tried to run on issues. Ran on big ideas and hope for the future. Obama scared his supporters by demonizing Romney.

Some people on the far right have claimed that Obama might be the Anti-Christ. Looking at the turnout from yesterday, Romney should have run on that platform instead of the big ideas campaign he ran. Think about it for a moment. Obama claimed that Romney wanted to imprison Big Bird, Throw Grandma out of her home and reduce women's rights to the level of Saudi Arabia. How is that any more honest or right than if Romney had claimed Obama to be the living embodiment of Satan himself?

We have gotten to the point in this nation that the voters no longer want to think for themselves. Sound bites and 30 second ads are all they care to process. The ideas of 5 Trillion dollars in debt, of double digit unemployment, of skyrocketing health care costs are too staggering to contemplate. But defending Big Bird? Well, who doesn't love Big Bird?

So petty little lies took the place of big ideas. So here is an idea for the next Republican Candidate: come out swinging. Start by claiming your opponent once tried to rape you and then go from there. The bigger the lie the more likely it is to be believed. Don't worry about big ideas, people don't listen anyway.

On Democraps and Paul Romney

"Daddy why are the Democraps so mean to Paul Romney?" Those words innocently uttered by my 9 year old daughter changed the way we talk about politics in my home forever.

Like so many families across this nation, mine has grown tired of the endless barrage of political ads on TV and radio. My wife refuses to watch live TV and will now only watch shows that have been recorded so that she can skip the ads. My youngest worries about starting a fight with a friend by liking the wrong candidate. My oldest is trying to learn about the process but is confused by all the ads which if true mean that whichever person wins the world will end soon after.

A while ago the oldest approached me and asked why I liked Mitt Romney, since the ad she just saw said he wants women to die from cancer. What followed was a lengthy discussion about politics and advertising at least some of which must have been overheard by the 9 year old. It was a few days latter that the now famous words were spoken aloud for the first time.

We were in the car on the way to Church and the words" Daddy, why are the Democraps so mean to Paul Romney?" floated from the rear of the vehicle on the wings of a dove. So sweet, so innocent so child-like in the naivete. We responded in the only way we could, with gut busting laughter.

Since that day we have decided to take the whole process a little less seriously. After all, how can you take someone that calls himself a "crap" seriously? Around our house it has become Barack Obama and his team of Craps up against Paul Romney. we are trying to have as much fun with it as possible. For example while playing "Catch Phrase" Paul Romney (or Mitt Ryan) will be shouted as an answer more often than not. My phone will ring occasionally and on the other end will be a 9 year old shouting Mitt Romney!

Single handedly my daughter took what was a dreadful fall and filled it with life and humor. Now, we can talk about the issues and the events without becoming grim.

So to anyone who is struggling this season with all the hate and vitriol on display, just remember; you should not expect too much from people that call themselves "craps".


(PS Early voting is underway in many areas. I have cast my ballot already so that I can volunteer on election day. I highly recommend early voting as a quick simple method to avoid the rush on Nov. 6th)

News Freshly Faked

Horses And Bayonets became a popular topic after the final Presidential debate of the season this week. Barack Obama in what many claim was an attempt at humor pointed out that in addition to having fewer ships than we did in 1916 we also have fewer bayonets and horses. Bloggers instantly criticized him for be inaccurate in that we do in fact have more Bayonets and nearly as many horses. The President seemed to agree that it was a joke however insiders have released what was meant to be the October surprise, an executive order bailing out the bayonets and Buggy Whip industries.

Chris Matthews was disappointed that Mitt Romney agreed with so many parts of the President's foreign policy stating that the reason he did this was to pander to the racists in his party. (No joke here, sometimes reality is funnier than anything I could ever make up.)

Al Gore tweeted that he could not believe global warming was never mentioned in any of the debates stating: "Global Warming is the single issue in which I still am listened to in any manner, and no one brought it up! How dare they! I won a Noble Prize too you know!" A spokesman for the Romney campaign issued this response: "Al who?"

Benghazi: Chris Matthews put to rest the entire issue of Benghazi this week stating to a Romney supporter that despite all evidence, congressional testimony and statements by the Administration , the attack was not terrorism and was all about the "movie". As a result of this development investigators are trying to determine what films were being shown aboard the planes on 9/11/01 as that may have been the actual cause of the incidents.

Gun Control in the wake of a mass shooting in WI Democrat Legislators are calling for stricter gun laws. Apparently laws against murder are not enough to deter an act such as this but a fine for owning a gun after being accused of domestic violence would do the trick.

Saddam Hussein in a rare interview from the depths of hell stated this week that he supports Barack Obama and deeply wishes he had been President after 9/11/2001. "I just think things might have worked out differently for me, that is all I am saying."


FNN- Breaking News like a Bull Breaks China

On Stopping the Buck

Our fragile democracy is in even worse shape than I had previously feared.

Last evening in a stunning interview Secretary of State Hillary Clinton claimed full responsibility for the terrorist attack on September 11,2012. "The Buck stops with me" she said.

Think about that for a moment.

The unelected political appointee Hillary Clinton announced that it was her responsibility to protect the embassies and that the President and Vice President had no knowledge of or input into the situation. This is stunning as it can only mean one of 2 things:

1) President Obama has so abdicated his duties that his underlings no longer even bother trying to get him to be involved. It is the chief duty of the President to safeguard the lives of American citizens and defend this Nation and her assets. An Ambassador is the direct representative of this Nation and a personal envoy of the President himself. The Consulates are sovereign US soil. This attack should be considered virtually no different than burning the White House and killing the President. Yet Obama is so far removed from the situation as to not even care that it was terrorism and not just a "demonstration that got out of hand" His failure to attend his daily briefings certainly makes this version, the version Hillary Clinton WANTS us to believe; possible.

Yes, by claiming the the buck stops with her and not the President, Hillary is suggesting everything I wrote above. She wants us to think the President is either incapable or unwilling to do his job. So that is option 1 the elected leader of the Nation is powerless and incompetent.

------OR------

2) In an effort to protect the cover up Hillary Clinton is taking the blame for Obama.  This is nearly as troubling as the first option. This implies that while Obama is capable of doing his job he made a mistake of some sort. Mistakes happen and most rational people admit the mistake and then correct it. However, that is not what the President has chosen to do. He has chosen to put the election ahead of the safety of this Nation. By having Hillary Clinton take the blame, he is buying himself time. Enough time he hopes that the election can be held before the full truth is known.

For a President to put himself above the office is the worst possible situation. The last time a man put himself ahead of the office he went down in history not for opening trade to China, but for leaving office in shame.


So which President do YOU want? The incompetent fool that is too busy playing golf and raising funds to be bothered with his job? Or The campaigner that is so bent on retaining the office that he he will do, say or imply anything in order to keep his job?

Are unknown forces running the government instead of the President or is the President so consumed with retaining power that nothing else matters?

Whichever option is true, neither is fit to lead the United States. this Nation of the People By the People and For the People deserves better. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. WE ALL deserve better.

Fake News All the Muck thats fit to Rake

President Obama left last weeks debate feeling the he had in fact been the winner. According to sources he was also surprised to learn that he did not win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry, the Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy or the Gold Medal in the 1000 meter Freestyle.

Proof of Miracles occurred last week when 30,000 watched President Obama speak at Bascom Hill a grassy area on the Campus of UW Madison that is able to hold less than 10,000 people.

The Vice Presidential Candidates continued to prepare for this weeks one and only debate between them. Paul Ryan prepared by reviewing the facts of Romney and Obama's various plans and arguments, while Joe Biden prepared by attending several "12 step" encounter sessions.

Mitt Romney continued to ignore attacks from the left regarding his decision to skip "Kids Pick the President" and his desire to cut PBS funding. In response to the criticisms the campaign released this statement:

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Presidential Mask Sales have been considered a predictive indicator of the eventual winner for the last 4 cycles. Due to the accuracy and reliability of the results Presidential Masks sales will now replace polls conducted by CNN, CBS and MSNBC.

On Writing and Posting a good blog

Regular readers of this blog have certainly noticed that my posting schedule has become less scheduled than previously planned. I do apologize for this. My goal is to write thought and entertaining articles at least 3 times a week. However this is easier said than done. Sometimes article topics come to me easily for example the outrage I felt when I posted Friday's rant about the phony unemployment numbers. Other's require some thought and research and re writing to get to a point that I feel comfortable publishing them.

I will try to post at least 3 times a week, with fake News published around Wednesday, but I am no longer promising to publish specifically on Monday Wednesday and Friday. Please check the site or follow me on twitter @fishjp to be alerted to new posts.

In the meantime I have decided to make the hidden "page 2" less hidden feel free to read it and enjoy the beginnings of my Children's story "The Adventures of Emily and Blankie"

Remember the easiest way to say you like this blog is to click the links to my sponsor's ads.

On Oceana and the War with Eastasia

So the big news of the day is the fact the unemployment rate dropped below 8 percent for the first time since Obama took office. So hallelujah and praise Obama, right? Romney should just call it a day and allow the re election of Obama by acclamation. In the mean time I will give up writing about anything other than my children's school activities.

Or maybe not.

Maybe we should look at this report and the timing of it a little more closely.

According to the report:

1) 114,000 new jobs were created in September by companies.
2) 840,000 people suddenly decided to open businesses in their homes in September.
3) The unemployment rate is now 7.8 percent (3 tenths of a percent less than August)

So wow. That is amazing. Nearly a million people are suddenly self employed in the month before the election. The department of Labor reached this conclusion by asking 60,000 people if they had a job. (Any red flags waving in front of anyone else yet?)

What could have happened in September to make so many people decide that right then was the moment to open a home based business? Why did all of them wait to do this until September 2012 to follow their dream, stop looking for a job and open a business? Maybe there terror attacks on the 9/11 anniversary inspired them to do it. Maybe the looming tax increases that will kick in on Jan 1 inspired them to take a financial risk right now. Maybe the uncertainty of the election outcome told them "don't wait do it now" Maybe.

Or maybe not.

George Orwell said "whoever controls the past controls the future, whoever controls the present controls the past". The Obama administration certainly controls the present. The Unemployment rate is about what happened in the past, and he would like to be President in the future.

If you believe this new Unemployment rate, ask yourself: why are they using a new method 30 days before the election to determine the rate? How is it even possible to reach a number of 840,000 NEWLY self employed by surveying only 60,000 households? Does it even make sense that for every person that was hired by a company of any size 8 people started a company in their basement?

Obama has spent the last 3 days talking about Romney's supposed lies during the debate. Isn't it time the rest of us started talking about Obama's lies over the last 4 years?

Live Mocking of the Debate

Both campaigns were disappointed by the rules for tonights debate Obama had requested the ability to phone a friend on hard questions while Romney had asked for live ammo to be allowed. both requests were denied.

Romney: My plan does not call for 5 trillion dollars in Tax cuts.
Obama: Yes it does and you stink.
Romney: You just lied.
Obama: No I didn't and you still stink.

Obama: it just math, and I am better at math than you are.
Romney: Since when?

Jim: We are over our 15 minutes
Romney: I know, fun isn't it?

Romney: My kids do the same thing you are doing, say the same thing over and over and hope I will
believe it.

Obama: I will reduce the deficit by cutting spending and raising taxes. This will work.
Romney: You have been President for 4 years, why haven't you done it yet?

Ok seriously, these 2 are way to dry to mock tonight. maybe I should have drank more before it started. basically the entire thing has been Romney talking about his plan and Obama saying "no that is not your plan"

I will stand by for any mock worthy remarks.

So the debate is over.

If you want a good laugh, watch MSNBC, they are literally yelling at the camera about everything they think Obama should have said to Romney. They are not even trying to be impartial.

Good night all.

Debate Night Fake News Update

As a Special feature for tonight's Debate between Puny Human # 1 and Fish's good friend Mitt Romney I will be mocking the debate in real time as it airs tonight. Please join me for some good natured ribbing of the Presidential Candidate and a horrible beat down of the other guy.

The Debate begins at 9pm EDT.

On Blasphemy and Free Speech (Updated with Pictures)

Listening to President Obama's remarks at the UN earlier this week left me physically sick to my stomach. Never before has a President of the United States come down so forcefully against freedom of expression and the separation of church and state that we as Americans hold so dear.

When Obama stood on the world stage and equated those that SAY things that are offensive with those that kill in the name of being offended was beyond belief. When he further stated that Muslims had suffered more than any others I nearly vomited. First violence against Muslims is almost entirely carried out by other Muslims, second I know about 3000 people in New York, Arlington and Shanksville PA that would strongly disagree with that statement. (not to mention Ambassador Stevens, The Crew of the USS Cole, The staff of the US Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania and so on.)

The more I thought about his speech the angrier I became. Why is my President defending those that attack us and attack those that exercise their constitutional rights? Why is the President of the United States even mentioning 'Blasphemy"? I decided that I could not let this stand. Something must be done. A point must be made. But what can I do to let Obama know that I still have the right to say whatever I want? It would have to be big. Something that might be noticed. I thought for a while, and came up with what I think is the ultimate expression of free speech. I burnt a book.

What book? Ahh that is the key. I am not telling. I placed a book in a brown paper bag sealed it so that no one but I could know the title and tossed it into my fire pit at home.

Why did I chose this? Simple. Now everyone can be offended. I encourage each and every one of you to think of the burnt book as whichever book would offend you most. Was it a sacred text? A political work? The Constitution? Dreams From my Father? The Koran? The Torah? Harry Potter? I will never tell. I purchased the book with my own money and burnt it on private property. I did this because in America we still have our freedoms and rights. I do not go through my day with the intent of offending anyone ever. But When the President of the United States tells me I am NOT ALLOWED to be offensive, then in the words of Malcom Reynolds : "I intend to misbehave"

Mr. President, No where in the Constitution that you swore to protect and defend does it say : "Freedom of speech shall be limited if it hurts the feelings of any particular group." Nor does it say that "Congress shall not establish a religion but the President can do whatever he wants". You went over the line Mr. President. I hope the rest of America shows you exactly how far over the line you went this November.

News Fake and Hand Picked

The NFL Announced that it would be standing behind "the call" that gave the Seattle Seahawks the win over the Green Bay Packers. In a written statement the league declared that the call was due to outrage over the "Innocence of Muslims" trailer and that the replacement refs could not be held accountable for their actions.

Mitt Romney Released his 2011 tax returns proving once and for all that reporters on most news shows have no idea how taxes work.

President Obama Addressed the UN Stating that the "future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of Islam" he went on to mention that "while insulting other religions is bad, Christians and Jews rarely blow shit up so it is not so bad to insult them but leave the Muslims alone, m'kay"

Preparations are under way for the first Presidential debate to be held in Denver on 10/03/2012. After tense negotiations between the 2 campaigns the format and rules were decided upon. Edged and blunt weapons will be allowed but no firearms. The stage will be in closed in a 4 sided cage with no roof. Vice Presidents will not be allowed to tag in. A Romney spokesperson who declined to be named stated "Obviously we did not get everything we wanted, but we feel the debate rules will allow for a fair and vigorous discussion of the topics."

Darwinian Law was questioned this week when 5 teenagers in western Wisconsin survived setting off illegal fireworks inside a moving vehicle. Dr. Bradly Whittacre commented on the situation: "We are seeing this happen more often, events that should be eliminating the unfit from the population are only causing injuries. These members are often allowed to return to the wild where they are able to reproduce and spread their traits. We are rethinking the entire concept of "natural selection" because of this."

On Wisconsin And the Changing Seasons

This is the time of year that I both enjoy and dread the most. I love the crispness of the cooler air, the color of the sun through the changing leaves and the start of fall sports. I dread that these things signify the oncoming winter.



Winter was a season that I used to enjoy. Growing up in Ohio, winter was a tame beast that behaved itself and only occasionally announced its presence. Now that I live in Wisconsin, winter is a completely different animal. Here winter has no manners, no leash and is not even remotely housebroken. High temperatures during a Wisconsin Winter are often colder than the lows in other states. The phrase "Blizzard Warning" is used often and with seriousness. In short Wisconsin Winters suck.
But we are not there yet, and Wisconsin Autumns are incredible. This past weekend saw Homecoming parades, Fall Festivals and Campfires galore. it seemed as though everyone was outdoors, celebrating the change in the weather and getting some last rays of sunlight before we go into hibernation until spring.

Popular culture tells us New England is the place to visit for Fall, but I defy anyone to find a more lovely landscape of changing leaves than what I see everyday between my house and my office. When you combine those views with a people who are straining to enjoy every last moment of good weather, you get a combination that is unmatched.

Yes our Winter is awful, but our Autumn is fantastic.




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News recently faked

The Obama campaign: Attacked Mitt Romney for comments regrading the number of people paying income tax, China and the Israel-Palestinian conflict. "That Governor Romney would state before a crowd of donors and accurately state the nature of problems facing this nation and discuss practical solutions is unconscionable! The notion of a politician telling the truth is completely unheard of in this day and age and Romney should be ashamed of himself!" When asked for comment Governor Romney simply shook his head and sighed.

NBC Released the first new show of the fall season this week. Revolution is the networks attempt to break into the "Hunger Games" fan base by creating a show entirely based on a 17 year old girl wearing a leather jacket and carrying a bow. Critics argue that perhaps a plot of some sort should have been included but NBC insists the girl, jacket, bow combination will win viewers.

White House Spokesman Jay Carney: Was disappointed this week to discover that he does not in fact have Jedi mind control powers. During the weekly briefing he waved his hand in front of the reporters and repeated : "There were no terrorist attacks in Libya  last week, It was a riot about a movie" Despite numerous attempts only a handful of reporters repeated the message. When asked for comment Carney replied: "Hey I am new at this Jedi stuff, I am surprised that it worked on as many as it did. My Master Darth Barack is much better at this than I am and usually gets the whole room to believe whatever he says. It is truly awe inspiring, the bigger the lie he tells the more they believe it, someday I hope to be as powerful as him"

Mitt Romney: Fired back at the Obama Campaign today by releasing a 1998 video of the President claiming to want to trick people into redistributing the nation's wealth. Obama responded : " Duh! that is my whole campaign platform, rob from the rich, give to the poor and keep 75% off the top for myself and my lackeys. It is a strong platform and I think the people of America are just gullible enough to buy it again."

Egypt has called for the arrest of everyone that was involved in the film "Innocence of Muslims" and all 7 people who have seen it. In addition, they would like all Christians, Jews, and Atheists to commit ritual suicide in shame of the film and have the entire United States Government turned over to 3 Clerics from Deerborn MI.

On Living in the Twilight Zone

So it has finally happened. We have managed to leave the conventional laws of the universe behind and have entered an alternate reality. Science Fiction writers for years have been predicting that something like this could happen , but I had always assumed that was the work of over active imaginations. Not anymore, now I realize those were dire warnings of things to come. And now those warnings have been fulfilled.

Reasons I know we now live in an alternate reality:

1) Rahm Emanuel has filed suit to force the Teacher's union to end their strike. In fact he is being referred to as an Union Buster and "right wing" by many in the media. Only in an Alternate Reality could Barack Obama's former chief of staff be referred to as "right wing"

2) Rachel Maddow gets it right and calls Obama on his BS. “Anybody who tells you that what happened to our ambassador and our consulate was the result of a protest over an offensive movie, you should ask them why they think that,” Maddow said. “I mean, that was the first version of events we heard, that does not seem to explain what happened that night. It does not seem to be born out by the facts the more facts we get.”  Further proof that we have left the known Universe behind, Maddow has ignored the official story from the White House and the President and told the truth regarding the attacks. The Universe in which I was born would have never seen that happen.

3) US Government Apologizes for Free Speech. In a stunning announcement the Embassy in Cairo blamed US free speech for the attacks and promised to crack down on those exercising free speech. The FBI then investigated and announced publicly the name of the person who had made the "video". Despite the fact that no crime had been committed. (ed- the Cairo Embassy Statement has since been scrubbed from the website)

4) IL gets it right and WI gets it wrong. After over a year of working to set the ship right in WI, numerous lawsuits, recall elections, protests and violence; just when everything seemed to finally be settled, ACT 10 was overturned by a county judge. This happened on the same weekend when Chicago has decided to crack down on the union their and force the end to a strike.


So, now that we know we have left the old universe behind, what happens next? Your guess is as good as mine. But the fact is I do not care for this brave new world in which we have been thrust and want very much to get back to the world we left behind. Can it be done? Who knows? But I do have a theory: if enough people vote this fall to remove Obama from office, maybe , just maybe we will slip back through the cracks and return to the universe we once knew. If that does not work stock up on food and ammo because surely, the Zombies cannot be far behind.

News, not fake this time

Sometimes events make it impossible to write a lighthearted parody. Today is one of those days.

On the anniversary of 9/11 protesters scaled the walls of our embassy in Cairo, stormed our mission in Libya and killed US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens. The alleged reason for these attacks? A Dutch film that is online that is apparently offensive to Islam. Let me say that again: The US Ambassador was killed because a DUTCH filmmaker made a movie that some people took offense to. That makes as much sense as someone firebombing a Wal-Mart because McDonald's gave him a cold cup of coffee.

So what has our government done to protect us? Well first off the US Embassy in Cairo Released this statement condemning the FILMMAKER and his movie:

The U.S. Embassy said in a statement that it “condemns the continuing efforts by misguided individuals to hurt the religious feelings of Muslims — as we condemn efforts to offend believers of all religions.”



“Respect for religious beliefs is a cornerstone of American democracy,” the statement read. “We firmly reject the actions by those who abuse the universal right of free speech to hurt the religious beliefs of others.”

President Obama in hearkening back to Carter's response to Afghanistan in 1979 (the last time an Ambassador was killed)  "Strongly condemned the attack"


But we should not be concerned, after all in his acceptance speech Obama stated "The historic change sweeping across the Arab World must be defined not by the iron fist of a dictator or the hate of extremists, but by the hopes and aspirations of ordinary people who are reaching for the same rights that we celebrate today."  So it was just "free speech" being exercised yesterday, nothing to worry about at all. Those were just regular folks blowing off a little steam and they got out of hand.

I am at a loss for words at how angry I am right now. The fact that not only were we attacked once again on 9/11, but by the fact that our President is barely acknowledging that it happened. There was no prime-Time address, no break from campaigning to return to the White House, heck, he wasn't even reading with school children yesterday. The media was complicit in there were no "Breaking News" alerts, in fact this was not even the top story on many broadcasts.

Now, as I am writing this Mitt Romney, the CANDIDATE for President, is going to address the nation on the murder of the Ambassador and the attacks on our soil. Just think about that, which of the 2 men seems more like a leader RIGHT NOW? (immediately after it was announced that Romney would be speaking, Obama announced a speech for 1 hour later)

Obama was right, we face a clear choice this fall. And he is making it clearer every day.

Please, dear reader; I am begging you. Do everything you can to make certain that this November Obama is voted out of office. We cannot afford another 4 years of mismanaged foreign policy, domestic policy and socialist economic policy. Please vote.

Never Forget

Please take a moment today and hug a loved one, call an old friend, donate to a charity, give blood or volunteer.

On Chicago Teachers and Scott Walker

Having waded through the insanity that has been Wisconsin over the last year (recalls, rallies, teacher's Sick Outs, Adults shouting down a 12 year old girl) I was disheartened to wake up this morning to the news that Chicago Teachers are striking.

Why are they striking? Apparently they are unhappy with a 16% pay raise and 7 hour work days. Not to mention a work year of only 180 days. But lets put all that aside. Chicago has a far left leadership in Rahm Emmanuel and a far left teacher's union. At the end of the day this strike is over the fact that the mayor was forced to say 'no' to a small portion of the teacher's demands, namely a 30% pay raise.

So that brings us to Scott Walker and the genius of Act 10 (A.K.A. "The Budget Repair Bill" and "the Scott Walker hates teachers and nurses bill") Because of Act 10 Wisconsin school children will never again be held hostage to a union making unreasonable and unrealistic demands during budget troubles. What is happening in Chicago is proof positive that Walker got it right.

A part of me should be happy about the Chicago mess. As so many of the players are directly related to the Obama White House any turmoil simply reflects badly on him. But the truth is I am a parent first and foremost. The thought of thousands of children being used are barter chips in a high stakes game of "gimme gimme gimme!!!" it makes me sick.

For those of you who are not teachers, just imagine for a moment how your boss would react to a demand that 16% pay raise, 7 hour work day and 180 work days a year is not good enough. If your boss is anything like mine, the door would be waiting. In my less than humble opinion that is exactly what should be waiting for these striking teachers.

DNC Day 3 Alternate reality Edition

Joe Biden was allowed on stage for a bit Thursday night. during that time he re wrote history by claiming that Obama personally saved the auto industry, found and killed Bin Laden moving heaven and earth to do so.

Seriously, Biden just claimed that Obama killed Bin Laden but Romney would not have. Only the courage of Obama and his gutsy calls Bin Laden is dead.

New Campaign slogan: Osama Bin Laden is Dead and GM is alive. Despite the fact that last year Obama stated emphatically that he would not use bin Laden for political gain as it was an American victory not an Obama victory.

Medicare: "Republicans will bankrupt Medicare by 2016 our plan has it solvent until at least 2018"

Taxes: Biden is acting as though it is a surprise that Republicans are against raising taxes.

Equal Pay for Equal work: This myth still confuses me. There is not a single women in my department doing the exact same job I do that is not making more money than I am.

Obamacare: "He pushed health care reform through despite the fact that no one wanted it because he personally wanted it." This was a centerpiece of the DNC video introduction of Obama.

Bin Laden: Once again The DNC used Bin Laden as a campaign prop. I cannot recall a single US president ever running on the Death of an Individual. Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Hirohito and the rest none of them were ever used in a campaign video.

54,000 people: No mention has yet been made of any special arrangements for the thousands of people that were planning to see the President but now can't since the venue was changed.

The Definition of Irony: Barack Obama complaining about too much money in a campaign.

"This election is a choice: between 2 paths for this nation." -Barack Obama. I could not agree more. Now is the time to change paths.

Obama Compared his Path to the New deal: It should be remembered that the new Deal is widely credited with extending the great depression by several years and it was only ended by America's entrance into WWII. Will it take WWIII to help us recover from Obama?

Rewarding Companies: Code for "punitive taxes on any company that does not do what we want"

Alternative Energy: Obama is talking about new jobs in alternate energies on the 1 year anniversary of the Solyndra bankruptcy. In addition he talks about lower energy use without acknowledging the fact that gas cost 3.89/gallon now and only cost 1.85 on the day he took office.

10 year plan: Obama keeps mentioning things he wants to do over the next 10 years. Fuel economy, oil imports, hiring teachers, funding medicare. I have to wonder: does he realize this is only a four year job?

I am sure that he said a lot more crap thought sounded plausible and hell maybe he even believes some of it. The simple fact of the matter is that Obama has had 4 years to do the things he is promising that he will now do. During the First 2 years of that time he had a rubber stamp congress with massive majorities in both chambers. If all of these things he wants to do are so good and so important: why hasn't he done it already? If raising taxes is so urgent: why did he extend the tax rates when he had the congress? Why should we believe a word he says?

DNC Day 2 Beyond Parody

My Intention was to write a "fake news" post regarding the second day of the convention, but the reality is too hard to parody.

Elizabeth Warren: "I spoke to people all over who are worried about how hard it is out there these last several years. re elect Obama so he can fix what has gone wrong." Apparently Ms. Warren is unaware of who has been president the last 4 years.

Sandra Fluke: "If Mitt Romney is elected women across America will die."

Elizabeth Warren: "Corporations are not people" What does she think a corporation is if not a group of people working together?

Sandra Fluke: "In that America, your new president could be a man who stands by when a public figure tries to silence a private citizen with hateful slurs. A man who won't stand up to the slurs, or to any of the extreme, bigoted voices in his own party.” The irony was unintentional.

Democratic Platform: The platform was amended today to mention Jerusalem as the capital of Israel and put the word "god" in the platform. This action was "booed" loudly by the delegates.

An Illegal Alien: was given the platform to speak about how she had successfully scammed the system for years getting a free public education and developing a network of support for Obama. There was no mention of how it was that a foriegn national had any standing to suggest who should be president of this nation.

Bill Clinton: took the stage to say how he was able to take and turn a recession around in 4 years but just because Obama couldn't is no reason not to elect him.

Bill Clinton: Just look at Obama's record of co-operation he has worked with several Democrats that ran against him and disagreed with him. What more proof do you need that he can reach out?

Bill Clinton: Joe Biden did a great job!

And the most disturbing part? I am pretty sure they actually believe this crap.

Fake News Democrat Convention Day One

Martin O'Malley: took the stage to remind everyone that Mitt Romney intends to beat women and children to death, fire all Police Officers and Give all money in the nation to the Billionaires.

Violence: Everyone attending the DNC was raped at least 3 times before they were able to enter the hall.

Julian Castro: The mayor of San Antonio made history by being the first Latino key note speaker at a Democrat National Convention. Latino Voters responded by saying" what I thought the democrats were our party."

Education: Julian Castro pointed out that his classmates at Stanford and Harvard had a better opportunity than his classmates from High school. How he made it from his High School to those top schools remains a mystery to this day.

MSNBC: Proved its integrity once again by describing a speech that labeled all Republicans as vile monsters out to kill women children and the elderly as "an even thoughtful look at the policies" (Unfortunately I am not making this one up.)

FNN- Tune in on Thursday for a recap of tonight's festivities

On The Return to Work After Labor Day

First let me apologize for the lack of a post yesterday. I was enjoying a water park with my family and generally taking the day off.

For most of us, Labor day is a day to relax and celebrate the end of Summer and the return to school. For Union leaders and Democrats it is an opportunity for them to remind the rest of us that THEY created the holiday and without Labor Unions we would all have to work the first Monday in September. Of course my response to that is "Great but what have you done SINCE then?"

The biggest problem with Labor day is returning to work. For me (and many others) just because we do not have to do the work on Labor Day does not mean the work does not need to be done. (For example I am still writing this just a day later.)

The Tuesday after is a hectic frantic day. It will be spent by workers everywhere trying to get 2 days work done in a single day. As I look at the pile of stuff I have to do today I have to wonder, was the day at the water park REALLY worth all I have to go through now? (yes it was.)

I hope everyone had a safe and fun day.


NOTE: For the rest of the week expect more, shorter fake news posts than usual as I intend to mock the DNC at least a little bit every night.

On Naomi Wolf and a Fascist America

Several years ago Naomi Wolf wrote The End of America listing the ten steps she felt were needed to turn a free nation into a dictatorship. She went on to list the ways that George Bush was fullfilling that list. Today Naomi is a prominent activist with the occupy movement. After reviewing the list I have taken her "steps" and applied them to the current administration. Instead of using conjecture and supposition as Naomi did I have listed a concrete example from the news along with a link to the actual article.

This is not meant to suggest that I believe Obama is in fact attempting to start a dictatorship, It IS meant to point out the hypocrosy of the left and the way that only the facts that fit their narrative are allowed. I further write this to challenge all those who refuse to vote for a Republican because of the supposed abuses to be honest and also refuse to vote for Obama. I am not naive enough to think those may vote for a Republican now, but perhaps a million votes for the Green Party or the Communist Party or the Whatever Party would show Obama that you have noticed what he is doing.


Ten Ways that Obama is Creating a Fascist State and destroying America:



1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
Van Jones: Republicans Want To Kill Children



2. Create a gulag
Guantanamo Bay Still Open



3. Develop a thug caste
Black Panther Case demeans My People



4. Set up an internal surveillance system
Obama Launches Attack Watch



5. Harass citizens' groups
Lawmakers Accuse IRS of Targeting Tea Party Groups



6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
Obama Signs Act to Allow Detention of Citizens



7. Target key individuals
Democratic Group Attacks Koch Brothers



8. Control the press
White House Snubs Press Corps



9. Dissent equals treason
The Romney-Ryan Budget is a Devil's budget. It guts The Public, America's soul -- The American Way of Life.

10. Suspend the rule of law
Unconstitutional Recess Appointments



Please, this is an unbelievably important election. Even if you are unable to bring yourself to vote for Romney: PLEASE DO NOT RE ELECT OBAMA.

Breaking Fake News

Vice President Joe Bidden has vanished following Paul Ryan's nomination acceptance speech. The only clues at this time are a television with a remote lodged in the screen, A trail of damp tissues and a low sobbing noise from beneath the Vice President's Bed. This is a developing Story. More information when it becomes available.

Update: Secret Service Agents are still looking for the Vice President who has now been missing for nearly 10 hours. Doctors fear permanent saliva and suction damage to his thumb if he is not found soon.

Update: A ransom note of sorts has been found on the floor of the Vice Presidents bed Chamber. It reads in part: "Leave a fifth of whiskey and a bucket of chicken on the end table and close the door"  Analysts are inspecting the note now for any forensic evidence.

Update: Agents forced their way into the Vice President's room when they hear breaking glass. Upon entering they found a broken bottle of whiskey, an empty bucket of chicken and what appeared to be the Vice President's pants laying next to an open window.

Update: The Vice President was found in the woods near his home. He was naked and muttering the name "Paul Ryan" repeatedly. Experts disagree on whether or not he is as mentally fit as he was before the incident.

Fake News Fresh From the Press

Hurricane Isaac: The Obama campaign was disappointed when Hurricane Isaac made landfall on Wednesday and failed to cause enough destruction to cancel the Republican Convention Completely and prevent Romney from becoming the nominee. "We were really counting on Isaac to interrupt the convention more and prevent Romney and his supporters from addressing the nation. But the storm is still churning so maybe New Orleans will flood again before Ryan's speech on Wednesday Night. We have our fingers crossed."

Ann Romney: The Republican Nominee's wife took center stage on Tuesday and delivered the best address by a candidates spouse or even a candidate in recent memory. When asked her opinion of the speech Michelle Obama replied "THAT BITCH!" The campaign quickly pointed out that her remarks were out of context and referred only to a dog.

Chris Matthews: Was hospitalized for "Exhaustion" after a series of unhinged interviews with Newt Gingrich and Reince Preibus. As he was being escorted away he was heard shouting "You are all racists! See you are even wearing WHITE jackets! Everyone everywhere is a racist! hahahah!" Doctors are considering an unprecedented second lobotomy as a treatment (The first having been performed in early 2007)

Chipotle: The Mexican restaurant chain has been caught rounding bills up to the nearest even amount in order to avoid dealing with pennies. The result is an untold fortune in unearned profits. A company spokesman stated: "Hey it seemed to work fine in Superman III and Office Space, so we thought Why not? Who could have known that something from a movie would not work out in real life?"

The Fall of Civilization: Was completed this week when customers began spending 290.00 on a Plain Brown Paper Bag. The designer responsible for the bag stated: "Holy Crap! people are actually buying this thing? all I did was get a bag from the store and write my name on it with a sharpie! People are Effing Stupid!"

On the Fall of Legends and the Death of Heroes

This was a particularly tough weekend for me. As I was preparing to put into words my feelings about Lance Armstrong I received the bad news that we had lost Neil Armstrong (No Relation).

Lance was a hero of mine in the way we all watched him over come the challenges of cancer to become the best in the world in his chosen sport. The LiveStrong foundation for cancer prevention is a great charity and his work to bring attention to a disease no one wants to think about much less talk about has doubtlessly saved lives. Now after a 10 year fight with the Anti Doping agency has given up. While I still do not think he was doping (he DID pass over 500 drug tests) the fact that the man best known for never giving up will now be known for giving up breaks my heart.

Lance's face and voice are known around the world, but his fame pales next to Neil's.

Truth be told, I never really cared for Neil Armstrong. But that is likely because I never got to know him. Fellow astronaut and second man on the moon (by just a few moments) Buzz Aldrin appears on TV all the time doing interviews, appearing in fiction works as cameos of himself and so on. Buzz, I have gotten to know over the years. But Neil, not so much. By all accounts he would never speak of the moon at all. Legend says that he would eat lunch in the same small diner every day but would get up and leave as soon as anyone asked him about the moon. His supporters claim this is a sign of modesty, however this refusal to speak of the moon fueled many a conspiracy nuts fantasy of a faked lunar landing.

But the name "Neil Armstrong" conveys a sense of glory and adventure that we may never see again. Until someone upstages him by being the first person to step on Mars, his name will inspire children and the adventurers around the world.

So in 2 very different but real ways we have lost 2 very different Armstrongs this weekend. And we are less because of it.


PS: I am not one that believes in the Rule of "things happen in 3's" but after losing the First American Woman in Space and the First Man on the Moon in close order, I hope that the First American to Orbit the Earth, the 91 year old John Glenn; visits his doctor for a checkup soon.

On Lance Armstrong

I will be posting at length on this topic later in the day as more facts become available. For right now suffice it to say that I am more than a little heartbroken over the fall of one of my heroes. And whether or not the doping allegations are true, he still has an amazing story.

Faux Gnus is Good Gnus

Mayor Bloomberg: Confirmed the beliefs of millions this week when he publicly announced that illegal immigration along the Southern US border had ended a very long time ago. Ranchers in Southern States were relived to learn that the people sneaking through their lands at not are not doing so illegally.


Voter ID: In order to display the hardships involved in getting an ID in order to vote the Plaintiff in the PA anti-ID lawsuit when through the arduous task of getting an ID. She was forced to take 2 separate buses show her old Medicare card and copies of letter s to her from the State welfare office. In all this horrifying experience took nearly 2 hours and several dollars in bus fare. Obviously much too high a hurdle for most Americans.

White House Press Pool: Has been snubbed lately as the President decided to give interview to more local reporters instead of Press briefings. Many of the Pool feel this denies the public the chance to have tough questions asked of the President, however as you can clearly hear in this interview With KOBFM's "Morning Mayhem" Local reporters can be every bit as tough as the Press Pool. We here at FNN look forward to our chance to ask the President what he likes most about Wisconsin our Cheese or our Fish Frys. The People Deserve to know.

Todd Akin: The scientific community was rocked this week by Representative Akin's Revelation that rape cannot cause pregnancy. "This changes everything we thought we knew about biology and reproduction. We are back to the drawing board here. What causes pregnancy? What is the sex act intended for? Are Birds and Bees actually part of human reproduction and not just a metaphor? These are the questions we are now asking." - Dr. John Whitten Mayo Clinic.

Whoopi Goldberg: Sharply criticized Akin's "Legitimate rape" remark as insensitive and wrong. "The suggestion that some rapes are not as bad as others is just sickening. Unless of course the victim is at least 13 and thinks the guy is dreamy then of course it is OK and should not be a crime or nothin."


FNN- Making up the news that MSNBC doesn't

On My Wife and The Anniversary of her Birth

Some years ago today, never-mind how many exactly; the world was graced with the birth of the most amazing woman I have ever known. A fabulous Mother, Wife, Friend and Partner there is no better person to have beside you when you are going through life's triumphs or tribulations.

To hear her laugh is to hear the voice of the heavens themselves ringing clear and true and will bring a glow to even the most dour of spirits. When she smiles her eyes light up a bright blue that at times I believe one could nearly read by. However, those same eyes hold a power that can terrify. When she senses someone has wronged one of her own those bright eyes turn a dark gray and like a summer storm all those in her path should flee in terror.

She spends her free time helping others. Whether it be her work with the PTA or the local community meal or volunteering at church; she is always putting others before herself. She does these things not for praise or glory (in fact I doubt many even know how much she does) but simply because these things need to be done and she knows how to do them.

A more caring mother has never walked this planet. Whenever her children have any need or concern she is there with the tissue, the shoulder, the words of encouragement or reprimand as warranted. Some day the kids will look back and realize exactly how awesome their mother truly is, for now she does a good job of remembering they are young.

As a wife I could ask for none better. And while many things in a marriage must and should remain private I will simply say that I enjoy every aspect of her being and often find myself counting the minutes until I can see her again.

Happy Birthday Darling.

Fake News Op-Ed: FNN Endorses Barack Obama

It is our pleasure to formally announce our support for Barack Obama's reelection. Regular readers of this column should not be surprised by this as the high level of respect and faith FNN has in our commander in chief is on display nearly every day. But here are a few reasons why we think you should support him also.

First: It is important to show that this is a color blind nation to ensure that the second black president (Bill Clinton of course was the first) is a 2 term president. Failing to re-elect Obama would show the world that this is in fact a racist nation that only cares about the color of a person's skin. Seriously if you don't vote for the black guy you are are horrible racist.

Second: He is the only person with the skills needed to fix the economic problems he was handed. We all know that nothing that has ever happened anywhere is his fault or the result of policies he voted for as a member of a Democrat Majority in the Senate or as President for 2 years with a filibuster and veto proof majority in congress. In 2008 George Bush became the first president in history to pass budgets and laws without a single member of the majority party agreeing to them at all. Barack Obama has solved the problem by not passing budgets at all or even submitting them. A true stroke of genius.

Third: He is the smartest man ever to hold the office. Because none of us a smart enough to understand his intelligence and wisdom he has had his books ghostwritten by others and sealed his college records, but that is just for our protection; exposure to his raw intellect would blind the average human. If you doubt his intelligence just ask him he will tell you.

Forth: He is a badass mofo. Seriously Have you ever seen him in his jeans and helmet riding a bike? How tough is that? Also he personally took the political risk that Bin Laden might be able to get away from the Navy Seals. That is at least 1000 times harder than actually being a member of the team that got him. Also he is so tough he once ate a dog.

Fifth: Obama is from Chicago and the Chicago political scene. So we know he is honest. If there is one thing that comes to mind when you think of Chicago politics it is HONESTY.

Sixth: It is important to understand that this was NOT written because of fear of my name being placed on an enemies list, being audited repeatedly or because members of the SEIU are outside of my house right now. That is just wild speculation and should not be taken seriously.

This is an FNN op-ed

On Paul Ryan and The Vice Presidency

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of Paul Ryan. He has the right ideas and the skill to make those ideas reality. Plus according to my wife he is just plain good looking. With all that being said, I am not happy with his selection as Mitt Romney's running mate. Let me explain.

First: The nation needs a Paul Ryan in the job that he had. It has been too long since we had a strong a knowledgeable person in the position of House Budget Committee Chairman. Paul Ryan brought a level of skill that has not been seen for decades to that job.

Second: A loss may be career ending for him. This pick reminds me of nothing more than the 1996 pick by Bob Dole of a young Jack Kemp. Kemp was thought to be the right wing golden child at the time. An up and comer that would likely be President one day. I have no idea what he has been doing since '96. But ask yourself this: when was the last time you heard his name mentioned by anyone?

Third: Paul Ryan is the boogieman. The Democrats have been running against Paul Ryan for quite some time now. Who can forget the ad in which Paul Ryan is shown throwing grandma off a cliff? (If you can't remember it the spokespeople on the Sunday news shows reminded you as much as possible by using the phrase "Pushing us over a cliff" at least 17 different times by my count.)  For nearly 2 years the Democrats have blamed everything that has gone wrong on the "Ryan Budget". Now they get to do that on an even larger stage.

Fourth: The left has learned that it can lie about anything and the lies about Paul Ryan are close to being believed as fact. As this clever commercial points out Some people believe EVERYTHING they see on the Internet and TV. And many of those people vote. So right now in the eyes of many people you have Barack Obama courageously trying to save your Grandma from a tax dodging, money grubbing. murderer and his trusty sidekick "Over the Cliff-Man" Those kind of negatives are going to be hard to over-come.

I really do want the Romney-Ryan ticket to succeed. I do want someone as good or better to take Ryan's place in the house. I do not want another Dole-Kemp failure, and that is where I am afraid we are heading.

No Post Today

I am sorry dear readers but I have nothing to share today. My obligations in the real world have left me with no time for a well thought out missive today. Look for things to be back to normal on Monday when I will give my Thoughts on either Shark Week or some random event from the weekend. Fake News Wednesday will have a presidential endorsement and Next Friday will be an Olympic wrap up.

So please enjoy the weekend, and I do apologize for not having anything to share today.

News: Oven Roasted to perfection

Crime Beat: A gang Dressed as knights robbed a Renaissance fair in France recently. The bandits got away with roughly 20,000 euros. When asked for comment a spokesman responded: "At least they were not able to get anything of actual value. There were several roasted turkey legs near the euros they stole, that would have been a disaster."
Olympics: The penultimate day of swimming saw an unusual day as the pool was cleared due to a piece of poop found floating in lane 6. American Swimmer Ryan Lochte commented on the episode: "I did not realize that anything was wrong, I saw the poo floating by slowly and assumed it was Phelps practicing. It was not until I saw Mike walking on the deck that I realized there was a problem."

NASA: The Mars rover Curiosity landed safely this week. It immediately declared itself President of the United Alliance of Martian Rovers Local 274 and went on strike demanding improved working conditions, a 3 hour workday and a waiver from Obamacare. Negotiations are on going.

Sandra Fluke: The law student that claimed she needed help paying for the 3000.00 dollars she spends each year on Birth Control, got the help she needed by whoring herself to the Obama campaign as a spokesperson. "We feel Sandra is exactly the kind of person that we want to represent our campaign."- Barack Obama

Veepstakes: Despite numerous rumours and discussions on various websites and news shows I can confirm that as of this moment your humble correspondent has NOT been selected as the Republican VP candidate. I am however still open to the idea and would be willing to discuss the topic next time Romney stops by the house.

Harry Reid: Has still not responded to numerous unfounded accusations of pederasty, embezzlement and being the 21st hijacker on 9/11. "The Word is out there let him prove it."

FNN- When news Breaks we fix it.

On NASA and the Robotic Colonization of Mars

I tired to stay up last night to watch the landing of Curiosity on Mars. I failed. Now this morning as I try to view images from the NASA websites I find most of them overloaded and unavailable. I can only assume that the reason they are overloaded is due to a vast number of people wanting to see what it is seeing.

Ever since it was first spotted, humanity has been trilled by the red planet. Sitting there so close and yet so unbelievably far away, it fuels the imagination easily. From the ancient times when our ancestors looked up and saw an angry god of war in that red spot to the more recent novels and movies depicting what might lie there, we as a race are intrigued by Mars. And now we are there, humans can look upon the surface of Mars and experience it themselves, almost.

I suppose that is why this is bitter sweet to me. We are able to launch an SUV to Mars, lower it safely via skycrane and watch live images beamed back. But still no one is there, the first prints on Mars are not those of a human boot taking one small step for man, but rather the tire tread of a vehicle that nearly runs without our help.

I find it more than a little troubling that NASA is capable of sending a machine this size all the way to Mars but cannot change a lightbulb on the space station they built without getting a lift from someone else. I understand the need for robotic missions, but no robot can take the place of a humans sense of adventure and curiosity that is vital in exploration. This machine cannot wonder what is over the next hill. It cannot check out something that "may be nothing but is worth a look". It cannot feel.

One last thought on the robots; in every story I have ever read that features a robot at some point it will turn on its creators. So while I will enjoy the pictures from Mars as much as anyone, I still want people to go there, preferably during my lifetime.

On The Olympics and Why I Hate CNN

Like many people, I enjoy the spectacle of Sport. Watching the battle of body and will to see who will be the victor. The Olympics are the highlight of this, capturing many sports at once and showcasing the best of the best as they compete. It is thrilling and I love it. Unfortunately for this years games, I am time zone challenged and most of the events are occurring while I am at the office and unable to watch. Fortunately NBC has my back airing the most popular events on tape delay during the so called "prime-time" slot. So I spend the day avoiding news of the events so I can watch them and be surprised by the outcome.

Due to the nature of my day job along with a desire to keep up to date with events receive "breaking News" email alerts from various news outlets. This is where my hatred for CNN comes into play. Compare the following emails one from Fox news and the other from CNN:

From: FoxNews.com [mailto:foxnews@newsletters.foxnews.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 12:24 PM
To: Fish
Subject: BREAKING NEWS: US Women Gymnasts Battle for Olympics Gold



Gabby Douglas leads American gymnasts into battle for individual gold at the London Olympics. Find out NOW how they did at http://email.foxnews.com/t?ctl=24F37:23D40F1529C078FCFFD5453B04CA5A6D&

Here is the one from CNN:

From: CNN Breaking News [mailto:BreakingNews@mail.cnn.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 12:24 PM
To: textbreakingnews@ema3lsv06.turner.com
Subject: CNN Breaking News



Olympic Results: Gabrielle Douglas wins gold for U.S. in women's individual all-around gymnastics final.

Follow the Olympics on CNN.com , CNN TV and CNN Mobile.

See the difference? The Fox news email gives the reader the option of learning the outcome or finding out later. The CNN email does not even warn you in the subject that they are going to spoil the event. The Breaking News subject line is no different than when an actual event occurs. Here are the emails when the swimming events were held (my Favorite)

Fox News:

From: FoxNews.com [mailto:foxnews@newsletters.foxnews.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 2:40 PM
To: Fish
Subject: BREAKING NEWS: Phelps, Lochte Battle for Olympic Gold


American swimmers Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte compete in 200-meter individual medley final at the London Olympics. Find out NOW how they did at FoxNews.com

CNN:

From: CNN Breaking News [mailto:BreakingNews@mail.cnn.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2012 2:38 PM
To: textbreakingnews@ema3lsv06.turner.com
Subject: CNN Breaking News


OLYMPIC RESULT: Michael Phelps wins gold in the 200-meter individual medley; fellow American Ryan Lochte takes the silver.

Phelps is the first man to win an individual swimming event in three consecutive Olympics. It is his record 20th lifetime medal and his 16th gold.

CNN Has long been held in disrespect by myself and others for their perceived left leaning stance on reporting the news. However, this total disregard for the integrity of Sports reporting is an entirely new thing. I have no idea what mindset makes this kind of reporting happen, but I do know that if they are this irresponsible with Sports, then we cannot trust them with real news.