Fake News Op-Ed: FNN Endorses Barack Obama

It is our pleasure to formally announce our support for Barack Obama's reelection. Regular readers of this column should not be surprised by this as the high level of respect and faith FNN has in our commander in chief is on display nearly every day. But here are a few reasons why we think you should support him also.

First: It is important to show that this is a color blind nation to ensure that the second black president (Bill Clinton of course was the first) is a 2 term president. Failing to re-elect Obama would show the world that this is in fact a racist nation that only cares about the color of a person's skin. Seriously if you don't vote for the black guy you are are horrible racist.

Second: He is the only person with the skills needed to fix the economic problems he was handed. We all know that nothing that has ever happened anywhere is his fault or the result of policies he voted for as a member of a Democrat Majority in the Senate or as President for 2 years with a filibuster and veto proof majority in congress. In 2008 George Bush became the first president in history to pass budgets and laws without a single member of the majority party agreeing to them at all. Barack Obama has solved the problem by not passing budgets at all or even submitting them. A true stroke of genius.

Third: He is the smartest man ever to hold the office. Because none of us a smart enough to understand his intelligence and wisdom he has had his books ghostwritten by others and sealed his college records, but that is just for our protection; exposure to his raw intellect would blind the average human. If you doubt his intelligence just ask him he will tell you.

Forth: He is a badass mofo. Seriously Have you ever seen him in his jeans and helmet riding a bike? How tough is that? Also he personally took the political risk that Bin Laden might be able to get away from the Navy Seals. That is at least 1000 times harder than actually being a member of the team that got him. Also he is so tough he once ate a dog.

Fifth: Obama is from Chicago and the Chicago political scene. So we know he is honest. If there is one thing that comes to mind when you think of Chicago politics it is HONESTY.

Sixth: It is important to understand that this was NOT written because of fear of my name being placed on an enemies list, being audited repeatedly or because members of the SEIU are outside of my house right now. That is just wild speculation and should not be taken seriously.

This is an FNN op-ed