Hurricane Isaac: The Obama campaign was disappointed when Hurricane Isaac made landfall on Wednesday and failed to cause enough destruction to cancel the Republican Convention Completely and prevent Romney from becoming the nominee. "We were really counting on Isaac to interrupt the convention more and prevent Romney and his supporters from addressing the nation. But the storm is still churning so maybe New Orleans will flood again before Ryan's speech on Wednesday Night. We have our fingers crossed."
Ann Romney: The Republican Nominee's wife took center stage on Tuesday and delivered the best address by a candidates spouse or even a candidate in recent memory. When asked her opinion of the speech Michelle Obama replied "THAT BITCH!" The campaign quickly pointed out that her remarks were out of context and referred only to a dog.
Chris Matthews: Was hospitalized for "Exhaustion" after a series of unhinged interviews with Newt Gingrich and Reince Preibus. As he was being escorted away he was heard shouting "You are all racists! See you are even wearing WHITE jackets! Everyone everywhere is a racist! hahahah!" Doctors are considering an unprecedented second lobotomy as a treatment (The first having been performed in early 2007)
Chipotle: The Mexican restaurant chain has been caught rounding bills up to the nearest even amount in order to avoid dealing with pennies. The result is an untold fortune in unearned profits. A company spokesman stated: "Hey it seemed to work fine in Superman III and Office Space, so we thought Why not? Who could have known that something from a movie would not work out in real life?"
The Fall of Civilization: Was completed this week when customers began spending 290.00 on a Plain Brown Paper Bag. The designer responsible for the bag stated: "Holy Crap! people are actually buying this thing? all I did was get a bag from the store and write my name on it with a sharpie! People are Effing Stupid!"
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